Nearly every company that has been around long enough has a popular and easily identifiable mascot. Energizer has their Energizer Bunny which nauseously keeps “going and going”, Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes has their icon Tony the Tiger and Camel Cigarettes had their cartoon spokesman Joe Camel – that is until 1997, when pressure from Congress and numerous public-interest groups resulted in Joe being taken out back and shot. Naturally, after Joe’s sacrifice, everyone everywhere quit smoking forever.
Anyway, in most cases, mascots are a logical representation of what a given company is all about. With that in mind, we here at Weirdworm have taken the road less traveled and found ourselves some mascots that fail on multiple levels to actually make sense.
The Company – Carfax
Founded in 1984, Carfax is a commercial web-based service that supplies vehicle history reports to individuals and businesses on used cars and trucks. They currently operate in the U.S. and Canadian marketplaces. A truly riveting and exciting business which was started by a computer expert named Ewin Barnett III. Who would’ve thought?
Their “WTF” Mascot
The first question that jumps out at us is why would a fox, an animal that’s very likely to have seen many of his fox friends and fox family members become road-kill, promote anything remotely related to cars and trucks? He may as well have become a mascot for a fur coat company. Aside from the term “Carfax Fox” simply being something that rolls off the tongue they aren’t exactly two things that necessarily belong together.
Nevertheless, the company has forged ahead with their bewildering creation. Originally the Car Fox character was a simple hand-held puppet. But really – who in their right mind is going to accept a vehicle history report from a furry sock with googly eyes? After a few million that could have otherwise been spent on cancer research, the company turned their simple puppet into a fully realized “animatronic animal with an attitude.” Finally, the company had a respectable creature capable of promoting vehicle history summaries. Did we forget to mention that it takes five people to operate the f***ing thing?
Still, after many hours spent toiling away in MS Paint, the Carfax Fox is only slightly better than anything we came up with for the company.
We can add a racing stripe for a few extra bucks though.
BIRDIE THE EARLY BIRD
The Company – McDonalds
If you haven’t heard of McDonalds, it’s useless to even go into it as you are clearly living under a rock… a rock made entirely of other rocks that other people are sleeping under. Seriously, 99 billion served.
Their “WTF” Mascot
Birdie is the first female character in Ronald McDonald’s gang, which consists of the Hamburgler, Grimace, the Frykids and Mayor McCheese. It’s important that you are aware of all these names – you’ll be tested later. Birdie was introduced way back in 1980 to help promote the company’s new breakfast items. She still appears in ads today sporting her timeless pink jumpsuit, flight cap and scarf.
Here she appears topless, proving she has a wild side. Hot.
We already gave Fox crap for promoting a company simply related to automobiles. How could we not lay into Birdie for gleefully promoting a company that slaughters her fellow species? Yes, Chicken McNuggets are tasty in a novel sort of way, however that’s no excuse for her utter indifference.
The use of Ronald McDonald is understandable – though eternally creepy. The use of Hamburgler makes sense… he wants your burgers damn it! Grimace… we could not classify in time for this article as the verdict is still out on what the f*** he’s supposed to be. However what’s the point of using a cutesy cartoon bird to promote a product that uses said animal as an ingredient? Actually there’s a completely logical reason according to our friend Wiki. Apparently a giant egg fell from the night sky into “McDonaldland”, and Ronald McDonald “decided to show the egg love”. Birdie is quite lucky because every other egg that subsequently landed in McDonaldland didn’t fair as well.
Ronald wasn’t fast enough to save these Birdies.
In all likelihood, the real reason for Birdie’s existence is merely her appeal to kids first and foremost. Keep in mind, Birdie is entirely fictitious and any resemblance to real birds, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Now, who wants a McNugget?
Birdie tastes excellent with sweet n’ sour sauce.
The Company – Quiznos
Quiznos is a fast food restaurant franchise that specializes in toasted subs of all kinds. It is the second-largest submarine sandwich shop chain in North America, after Subway. No jokes necessary… so long as Quiznos delivers a free giant sub to the WeirdWorm offices by 1 PM today.
Their “WTF” Mascot
In 2004, the Spongmonkey characters made their jump from weird internet thing to appearing in equally weird TV ads for Quizno’s. They sang a modified version of their song called “We Love the Subs.” The reactions to the commercials were mixed and eventually the ads stopped airing. Here’s the ad for those who are curious.
Although many refer to the creatures as hamsters or gerbils with severe birth defects they are supposedly graphically edited tarsiers. Now, here’s a picture of a tarsier for those who are curious.
Forget the Sub, we’re no longer hungry.
The creative addition of the crack-head eyes and human mouths can be credited to Joel Veitch, a British web animator, singer-songwriter, member of the website B3ta and apparent friggin’ genius. The Spongemonkey gimmick basically consisted of the strange duo floating mid-air while singing and playing guitar. They also completely baffled everyone as to what in God’s name they had to do with sandwiches. Here’s a picture of a sandwich for those who are curious.
Note the distinct lack of horrible little mammals.