As a supernatural force dedicated to reaping the souls of humans and generally being a complete asshole to the whole of the species, we don’t know much about Death. Does he eat? Does he sleep? Does he even poop? We mean, that cape does provide easy access to the necessary areas, so it might not just be a fashion thing. The most important thing we don’t know if Death can do, however, is feeling emotion. Like the sort of embarrassment, these people would experience if they knew how they met their maker…
13. Anonymous Horny Man and Woman
In 1986, a woman was found in Dayton, Ohio, naked and trapped under the corpse of her lover. The couple had been making love in her car, which was parked on the upper story of a garage. During sex, he died, collapsing on her and pinning her to the back seat of the car. By the time she was discovered under his decomposing body, she was suffering so badly from the effects of dehydration and hypothermia that she too died within hours of her rescue.
12. Paul G. Thomas
Paul G. Thomas, the 47-year-old co-owner of the Thomas & Sons Textile company, met a ridiculously undignified death in August 1987 when he was wound into a giant spool of wool. He got caught up in a spooling machine and when his body was discovered, he had been suffocated behind hundreds of meters of yarn.
We’d love to say this is a picture of the crime scene, but it isn’t. Sadly.
11. Robert Earl Hughes
Before obesity became a modern plague, being ridiculously overweight held enough novelty value to make 486-kilo Robert Earl Hughes a minor celebrity. However, when his flab-related death came in 1958 at the age of 32, Hughes’ despatch from the mortal world was lacking in any dignity. He had to be hoisted from his deathbed by a crane and buried in a coffin made from a modified piano case.
10. Anonymous Pig Farmer
The body of a Romanian farmer, naked apart from a condom, was found in his pigsty. A doctor pronounced the farmer had died from heart failure, while his family tried to explain his unusual appearance at death was down to his fondness for “pig wrestling”. Well, that sounds like one euphemism for it.
The pigs were somewhat happier, though. Wonder why?
9. Abelard Hattensperger
The naked body of Abelard Hattensperger was found on the deck of his boat on Lake Biggesee, Germany in 1983. An autopsy showed he had been struck by lightning, but could not explain why his groin was covered in grease.
8. Robert Dean Eaton
The body of 60-year-old Robert Dean Eaton was found naked and chained to an oak tree in an area outside Happy Valley, California. Police said: “He had a history of mental health problems. He was always doing this sort of thing.”
7. Brent Tyler and Chelsea Tumbleston
A taxi driver found the bodies of Brent Tyler and Chelsea Tumbleston naked in a street in the city of Columbia, South Carolina, in the early hours of the morning of 27 June 2007. The couple, both 21 years old, had fallen 15 meters from the pyramid-shaped roof of an office block. Although alive when found, they died from injuries sustained during their drop before arriving at the hospital.
Police investigating the incident found their clothes in a vehicle at a parking garage adjacent to the office block. One witness, who presumably didn’t see anything wrong with this at all, reported: “A cute, young nude couple arrived at the garage in a car and climbed onto the roof. They were laughing and happy. He pulled her up onto the roof saying, “Baby, I got you”. Detectives could only speculate about what had happened, but one admitted: “It looks as if they took a tumble during the height of passion”.
6. Deiter Lorz
Deiter Lorz, a 53-year-old photographer, was discovered in his Stuggart apartment in 1985 with homemade electrodes attached to his testicles and a cock-gag in his mouth. Police described his death as “an unusual but self-inflicted accident”.
5. Terrence Simmonds
The body of Terrence Simmonds, a 49-year-old from Oxford, was discovered in a cocoon made of plastic bin liners. In a kinky solo sex game, he had used a vacuum cleaner to suck all the air out of the bags and suffocated.
“And the award for most convenient tagline goes to…”
4. Manfred Lubitz
The body of retired German electrician Manfred Lubitz was found in his apartment in Malaga wearing a handmade gadget he called the ‘orgasmatron’. It featured a vibrating mat, massage pads, and electrodes attached to his manhood. Police believe he died as a result of a power surge.
There’s a lesson in this. Always stick to the non-electrical Orgasmatron
3. Alex Maines
Alex Maines was found dead in 1989 on Hampstead Heath, a London beauty spot also notorious as a place where gay men meet for casual sex. When discovered by an elderly dog walker, Maine’s body was naked aside from a Star Trek T-shirt and a condom tailing out from an orifice. An autopsy showed he had died from cardiac arrest possibly related to recent sexual activity.
We couldn’t think of an image to put here, so here are some obviously-heterosexual men enjoying a vacation.
2. Patricia Mullen
When 230 kilo Patricia Mullen died from heart failure related to her morbid obesity in 1996, the first few hours after death was anything but dignified. Chicago police officers dragged her naked body from her house and left it on the curb, then told neighbors “The fat lady’s dead. Want something to eat?”
1. Mihaly Gubis
Hungarian painter, poet, and sculptor Mihaly Gulbis were killed when his one and a half-ton sculpture “Woman with Four Breasts” fell on him. Gubis and a Chinese sculptor had been loading the 24-foot artwork made from the sand onto the back of a lorry in Mundelsheim, Germany, on 17 May 2006. At one point during their attempt to transport the sculpture to an expedition, the huge piece of art lurched violently to one side, leading Mihaly to try and push it back with his body.
However, the 58-year-old artist only succeeded in throwing it further off balance, causing it to fall on him. He was crushed and died instantly. And because that isn’t a very funny note to end on, we’d also like to point out that Mihaly was always somewhat accident-prone. He had been forced to give up his first career as a classical guitarist when an accident caused during the making of screenprints resulted in him losing a finger.