Getting in shape is a problem that a lot of Americans (and other fat people) have. It’s tough, and it requires work. Lots of work. Crash diets don’t work, but is there anything out there that’s easy that does work?
As it turns out, there are some easy ways to look better in that swimsuit (for men and women).
Live In the Dark
This method is simple. All you have to do is flip the switches and turn off the lights in your home. But, this also means turning off your TV instead of watching it before bed, and turning off your computer instead of grinding on your World of Warcraft account before bed.
The general rule of this way to lose weight is to just reduce “light intake” before you go to bed. That means not staring at the sun then taking a nap, etc. It really is fairly simple.
At Ohio State University, a researcher noticed a trend in increasing weight amongst Americans. But that’s no surprise, right? The same scientist, however, noticed that there was also an increasing trend amongst those using light-producing objects later at night.
So, this scientist and her colleagues decided to run a test: have some mice exposed to sixteen hours of sunlight and eight hours of darkness every day, and the other mice exposed to light at all times during the day. The experimental mice gained a huge amount of weight over the control mice.
OM NOM NOM NOM.
The interesting part of the experiment was that the experimental mice ate the same amount as the control mice. The difference was when it was eaten. The scientists believe that the experimental mice gained weight because they were eating in their “rest” phase, meaning their metabolism was completely thrown off.
Not all of these will be about night-time habits, we promise. However, this section is promising because of the huge statistical correlations found in a study of over 70,000 middle-aged women. The study tested women who were sleeping five hours a night against those who were sleeping seven hours a night.
It’s not like she gained weight because no one loved her, or anything.
It turns out that the women who were sleeping two hours less were 33% more likely to experience massive weight gain and 15% more likely to become obese over the course of the study.
Those are very drastic numbers: that means that you could possibly gain a third of massive weight if you don’t sleep for seven hours a night!
Interestingly enough, there was no difference between the amounts of exercise or food intake that the sleepless were getting. So what could be causing these astonishing statistical anomalies?
While the results of this study did not tell the researchers why it was happening, they have some pretty good guesses. Some think that it is due to a slower metabolism due to less sleep. Others think that it is because people will fidget less (and generally have less involuntary movement) the less they sleep, so they will not burn as much calories.
Whatever the reason, at least we all now know why koalas are so goddamn skinny.
Imagine Yourself Eating
That sounds ridiculous. Doesn’t that make you crave delicious, sweet, sweet chocolate covered muffins even more? If you imagine the flavor of a chocolate chip cookie, don’t you desire to have one that much more? Everyone knows that, right?
No, actually, you’re wrong.
It turns out that it actually reduces your consumption of that food if you imagine eating said food prior to actually eating said food.
We have always been taught to avoid thinking about food if we want to not eat food, right? Mind over matter and all that bull-shnarky. Unfortunately for those of you who have successfully ignored your food cravings, you probably gained a lot of weight from it.
Divide by mind, square, take the reciprocal, and divide again by mind over matter.
The scientists at Carnegie Mellon University showed that it actually increases cravings if one does not think about eating.
The idea is simple. If you force yourself to imagine yourself consuming a piece of chicken, then that part of your brain that would have otherwise made you hungry for chicken is a bit more satisfied because of the pure mental force that you used in imaging its consumption. While it all sounds like hocus-pocus (it does to us, as well), it seems to work, consistently.
Go Out Into the Sun Occasionally
Yes, we know it sounds obvious that going outside and having fun will make oneself fit. We here at WeirdWorm, too, were told by our mothers to go spend some time outside instead of sitting at home on the computer all day.
That’s not what this is about. This section is not about going outside and exercising occasionally, burning off fat and building up muscle. That’s for people who want to work to lose their weight. This section is about merely being exposed to sunlight for a simple ten to fifteen minutes a day.
It sounds ridiculous, but it turns out that a study showed that kids who are deficient in Vitamin D were much more likely to become overweight and get Type 2 Diabetes. The best way to get Vitamin D is by sun-bathing oneself for about ten to fifteen minutes a day.
No one really knows. All we really know is that kids who have normal levels of Vitamin D tended to gain weight much, much more slowly than kids who have low levels of Vitamin D.
There is some evidence that Vitamin D does directly control weight, however. “… it also has another role that is now extended far beyond that of mineral metabolism, as vitamin D has been recently found to be present in a wide variety of cells. There is mounting evidence that a central control mechanism for maintaining body weight is regulated by energy intake and energy expenditure through various passages in our systems that is regulated by Vitamin D.”
So, the moral of the story is: stick your baby outside on the lawn for a quarter of an hour every day.
This is not what we are implying, or anything.
Move to a Mountain
That’s right. Move to the tippy, tippy top of a mountain and live there for the rest of your life. Or don’t. It really doesn’t matter: as long as you are on top of a mountain for an extended period of time, you may lose quite a bit of weight.
Ever wonder why the Tibetan Sherpas that lead people up Mount Everest are so thin? It’s probably because they climb the world’s tallest mountain every other week, but it could also be because they are on top of the world’s tallest mountain for half of their lives. Probably the former, but we aren’t scientists.
Well, some of us are, but not reputable ones.
In an experiment by Dr. Lippl from Ludwig Maximilians University in Munich, twenty male obese patients lost an average of 3.3 pounds after being on a mountain for a month. Doesn’t seem like much, but it’s something. And all you have to do is move your nest to a mountain.
Once again, there is no definitive answer here yet, but there are some hypotheses. Scientists generally think that this weight loss is a result of many different things coming together. Namely, an increase in the hunger hormone leptin was found in the patients, so that means they weren’t as hungry. Also, the participants were not getting as much oxygen to their bodies as they were used to, so their metabolisms may have slowed down by a large amount.
Whatever the reason, we know it has something to do with Yetis.
Look how skinny it is!
- – Live In the Dark: http://kangaroo738.files.wordpress.com/2007/11/wowaddict1home.jpg http://crazeyivan.files.wordpress.com/2010/09/fat-rat1.jpg
- – Sleep More: http://scrubsmag.com/wp-content/uploads/very-tired-woman1.jpg http://kangaroo738.files.wordpress.com/2007/11/wowaddict1home.jpg http://www.camelotbears.com/images/koala_baby_pic.jpg
- – Imagine Yourself Eating: http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_S9JWGdYxLEE/TPwopnrANJI/AAAAAAAAAKI/PqIUQMmWtug/s1600/wrong.jpg http://kangaroo738.files.wordpress.com/2007/11/wowaddict1home.jpg http://cityyearboston.files.wordpress.com/2010/08/mind-over-matter.jpg
- – Go Out Into the Sun Occasionally: http://kangaroo738.files.wordpress.com/2007/11/wowaddict1home.jpg http://kangaroo738.files.wordpress.com/2007/11/wowaddict1home.jpg http://i289.photobucket.com/albums/ll231/passionate-music/FreeBabyF.jpg
- – Move to a Mountain: http://arthropoda.southernfriedscience.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/11/facepalm.jpg http://kangaroo738.files.wordpress.com/2007/11/wowaddict1home.jpg http://arthropoda.southernfriedscience.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/11/facepalm.jpg