A lot of successful people get to the point where they’re on top of their profession and start to get bored and want a new challenge or want to use their fame and fortune to try to turn what should be a hobby into a full-blown second career. Unfortunately for our ears, in many cases that means actors, athletes, models, and so forth all trying to become musicians despite the small problem of having no discernible talent.
8Every Attempt by Bruce Willis
Look, we all love Bruce Willis. The guy was John McClane, after all. One of the things Bruce is very good at is getting dirty while fighting terrorists and making snarky remarks just after shooting them in the face. What he’s not so good at? Music. Yet he’s tried time and again to actually be a musician.
When he’s singing, however, he’s not Bruce Willis anymore. Nope, he calls himself “Bruno” and his music is every bit as horrible as you’d probably expect. He’s actually released multiple albums under the name Bruno the Kid, and believe us when we say this “music” actually makes The Whole Ten Yards look good by comparison.
7Joey Lawrence – “Nothin’ My Love Can’t Fix”
Hey, do you guys remember Joey Lawrence? He’s that dope who was on Blossom and all he ever said was “Whoa!” because, hey, apparently that can be a catchphrase according to the brilliant writers of that show? Anyway, believe it or not he released his debut album at the age of 16, titled simply “Joey Lawrence.”
The big single was a song called “Nothin’ My Love Can’t Fix” and shockingly, it rose to number six on the Billboard Hot 100 despite being bad enough that being forced to listen to it should be against the Geneva Convention.
6Joe Pesci’s Entire “My Cousin Vinny” Inspired Album
Joe Pesci is an enjoyable little dude. He can somehow be scary as hell despite being approximately two feet tall, and he also has some terrific comedic chops, with both characteristics put on full display in the movie My Cousin Vinny.
The movie was a smash success, but while a lot of successful movies spawn sequels or TV shows or, heck, even merchandise, this one spawned a freaking album of songs by Pesci in the character of Vinny. The album was called Vincent LaGuardia Gambini Sings Just For You, and it was released in 1998, a full six years after the movie came out. They should have just named it “Blatant and Embarrassing Cash Grab” and gotten it over with.
5Serena Williams – Untitled Rap Song
Serena Williams is one of the greatest tennis players of all-time. She and her sister Venus have been dominant at various times during their careers, and the sense of invincibility probably made Serena feel like she could do anything.
That’s probably why she thought it would be a good idea to record a rap song, which fortunately doesn’t seem to have ever been released except online. Why is that fortunate? Well, because it featured lyrics like “I ball hard no tennis racket/I can’t see these haters through my Gucci glasses” for starters. Yeah, she just tried to rhyme “racket” and “glasses.” Stick to your day job, Serena.
4Gwyneth Paltrow Does a Music Movie, Believes She’s a Musician Star
A few years back, Gwyneth Paltrow made a movie called Country Strong, in which she plays a country music singer. Apparently Gwyneth never got the memo that it wasn’t a documentary because she apparently convinced herself that she was an actual country star.
Amazingly, people kept feeding into this delusion by not only getting in talks with her about recording an album but casting her in guest appearances on the show Glee, where she continued to terrorize us with her attempts at singing. In perhaps the strongest bit of proof to date that there is a god, her talks to record an album fell through, sparing us yet more audial abuse.
3David Hasselhoff – “Jump in my Car”
David Hasselhoff is just funny on so many levels. He’s one of those guys everyone loves to mock but everyone also secretly loves, because he’s big, dumb, goofy, and is so unintentionally entertaining that it’s hard not to like him. Plus, he was on Knight Rider, for god’s sake. That has to count for something.
Anyway, it’s not a secret that the Hoff has been trying a music career for quite a while, with his success in Germany leading to the whole “Germans love David Hasselhoff” gag. Perhaps the most hilarious part of his musical career was when he recorded a cover of the song “Jump In My Car” and even made a music video, which was promptly voted as the second-worst video ever made.
2Kobe Bryant (Featuring Tyra Banks) – “K.O.B.E.”
Athletes really shouldn’t try music careers, unless they’re the late, great Wayman Tisdale, who just happened to be one of the best jazz bass guitarists of all-time. Kobe Bryant may be better on the basketball court than Tisdale ever was, but in no way, shape, or form is he even in the same realm in music.
That didn’t stop Kobe from recording a rap album featuring the single “K.O.B.E.” The song opens with someone talking to Kobe about how much people love him, and it just gets worse from there. Perhaps worst of all, he drags poor Tyra Banks into the atrocity as she was attempting her own terrible attempt at a music career.
1Mr. T – “Treat Your Mother Right”
We can’t really make fun of Mr. T for anything, because come on, he’s Mr. T! We love Mr. T, you love Mr. T, and in fact scientists have confirmed it’s impossible to not love Mr. T. Or at least they would if they wanted to waste time conducting that research.
Anyway, in 1984 he released an album called “Mr. T’s Commandments” and one of those commandments, which took the form of a rap song, was Treat Your Mother Right. It’s a noble attempt at teaching kids a valuable lesson, but man, it would have worked so much better if it wasn’t the corniest thing in the history of music. Don’t worry though, T, it didn’t make any of us love you any less. If anything, it’s so bad it almost makes you more endearing.