A well placed and filmed sex scene can enhance a film, particularly if it helps serve the story and isn’t a gratuitous attempt to get a little nudity into the running time.
However, it’s amazing how badly anyone outside of the adult film industry can get these scenes so horribly, horribly wrong. It feels like more often than not, movie sex scenes just make the audience uneasy and wishing they were somewhere else. Here are some of the worst offenders.
Munich was a very cathartic film for a lot of people, as it deals with the aftermath of the horrifying events of the 1972 Olympic Games when Israeli athletes were brutally killed by members of the PLO.
Eric Bana leads a covert group tracking down those responsible, in what is a true story of an Israeli Counter-Terrorist Team. And the catharsis continues at the end of the film after the mission has been completed and Bana returns to his wife, and the two engage in a passionate sex scene intercut with a lot of violent imagery, culminating in Bana unleashing one of the most hilarious “O” faces we’ve ever seen.
It’s kind of hard to imagine that any sex scene involving a very naked Rosario Dawson could be considered something other than “holy crap awesome” but believe it or not, the sex scene in the movie Alexander, starring a laughably miscast Colin Farrell as the legendary conqueror, is just uncomfortable unless you start laughing at the dismal attempts at being sexy by both people involved.
The scene starts with Dawson sort of playing coy and trying to stay away from Farrell, slapping him and kind of squealing while he tells here there are lots of ways to love. It’s such a poorly shot scene, on top of being awkward and poorly acted, that even the sight of Rosario Dawson topless isn’t enough to salvage it.
6The Matrix Reloaded
After the original Matrix, pretty much everything went downhill so it doesn’t come as a surprise that there were moments in the sequels that are both hilarious and just flat out, face palm-inducing stupid.
One of the most noteworthy of all, however, was in The Matrix Reloaded, when Neo and Trinity have returned to Zion, which it turns out isn’t some human Utopia, but a giant, sweaty rave that apparently never ends. For the record, if that’s the home of the revolution against the machines, sign us up to stay hooked up to the Matrix. Cypher was right on that one.
Anyway, as the humans celebrate in grinding, sweaty fashion, Neo and Trinity make what we suppose is supposed to be sweet, slow-motion love, but just looks absurd in conjunction with the rest of the horrible scene.
Look, there’s not much sexy about the relationship between Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez, and in fact more or less the entire film Gigli stands out as being unintentionally hilarious in so many ways.
But arguably the most hilarious moment of the entire, stupid film occurs when Affleck finally wins over J-Lo and convinces her to let him nail her, which leads to the least sexy line ever uttered when coitus is about to take place, uttered by Lopez: “Turkey time. Gobble gobble.” We have no idea what that means, but it sounds like the type of thing that would kill erections, not induce them.
First of all, let’s just get this out of the way: when you name a movie “Crank” about the only sex scene you’d expect, based on the title alone, would be a guy flying solo. However, Crank was a movie that helped launch Jason Statham as an action star and involved him needing to basically get huge boosts of adrenaline in order to stay alive. Or something like that.
Look, does plot even matter when it comes to a Statham movie? People just want to see him look tough and roundhouse kick fools in the face.
Well, at one point in the movie, Statham is about to die on the side of a street so to boost his adrenaline and stay alive, he bends over Amy Smart and starts boning her right there on the side of the road, in front of a gathering group of people who begin to cheer him on.
We’re not sure we can technically call this “unintentionally hilarious” since it involves what is without question rape, but the circumstances are so absurd that we’d be remiss to leave it out of the discussion.
Jack Frost is a horrible mid-90’s slasher flick in which a snowman comes to life and goes on a murderous rampage. Along the way, he also decides that he wants to get a little action from Shannon Elizabeth before killing her.
So what does he do? Well, he’s a snowman, so he’s not exactly anatomically correct. What he does have, however, is a carrot. You can guess where it goes from there, though you may not want to dwell on the imagery for very long.
If you want to talk about a superhero movie that gets a bit of a bad rap, look no further than Watchmen. Based on the classic Alan Moore graphic novel, it took an entirely new angle on the comic book genre and asked them questions like, hey, who actually keeps these vigilantes in check?
It was a dark, violent movie and kind of gets forgotten when people talk about the best superhero movies ever, partially because there was no way it could live up to the buildup, and partially because there’s a ton of backlash against Zack Snyder.
Oh, and also? Because it features one of the most groan-inducing sex scenes ever when Patrick Wilson plows Malin Akerman to the sound of Leonard Cohen singing “Hallelujah.”
The most ridiculous movie sex scene in history has to be big and, dare we pun? Climactic sex scene in the pool, when Elizabeth Berkley appears to be suffering from some kind of epileptic seizure while straddling Kyle MacLachlan.
The whole movie tries so very, very hard to be sexy, but as it turns out that proves to be a little difficult when your sex symbol star is the same girl who played Jessie Spano and had the most notorious freak out in kids television history.
We really should have guessed that the girl who melted down singing “I’m So Excited” would be unable to deliver the goods when it comes to a sex scene, especially since she appears to be channeling Jessie’s caffeine-addled breakdown while splashing around in that pool. Poor MacLachlan is left holding on for dear life, wearing an expression that clearly suggests he’s having second thoughts about doing the film.