In our previous article we dug deep into the 80’s film vault of asshole characters and chose seven well deserving entries. However, that particular decade produced so many obnoxious personas that morbid curiosity led us on another trip down the road of assholery. What follows are seven more infamous 80’s movie assholes that eventually got what they deserved. Once again, we’ll be ranking their comeuppance on a one to five scale of Catholic paddlin’ sticks.
Credit us for making paddlin’ fashionable again.
We begin our list with Chet Donnelly, from Weird Science. If a club existed that celebrated utter douchebaggery then Bill Paxton’s memorable character would be hailed as a hero. Chet was the jerky older brother / military student who admittedly “got off” on terrorizing his little brother as well as his brother’s best friend. We’re talking everything from general ball breaking and wedgies to extortion and blackmail. Chet also had a strange sense of humor as you’ll note from the following clip.
Chet’s punishment was over the top even by goofy 80’s movies standards. Thanks to the apparent God-like powers of the main character Lisa, Chet was turned into this…
And you thought you had problems with your pot belly.
The repulsive blob pictured above can best be described as Jabba’s the Hutt’s living, breathing bowel movement. This ridiculously grotesque transformation humbled Chet into apologizing to his brother for his d**kish ways. However, we’re left to wonder if Chet’s apology and forced change of heart was even worth the clean-up.
Here’s a character so detestable we hesitate even writing about him. Johnny Lawrence (William Zabka) from the original Smith-free Karate Kid was a very capable bully who made Daniel’s (Ralph Macchio) life a living hell. Johnny was a natural bad-ass who had the skills to back up his brash persona. He also happened to have guidance from a certified maniac.
If you don’t follow his instructions he’ll murder you, your family and possibly the family next-door. If there’s time, that is.
What happens to a student who is trained by someone who’d be better off locked up doing crossword puzzles? You get an entire crop of rotten apples like Johnny. Thanks to his malicious Cobra Kai training, Johnny used Daniel’s scrawny body as his own personal piñata on a daily basis.
You don’t want to know where that fingers’ going next.
At the conclusion of the film, Johnny was soundly defeated in a tournament by Daniel’s iconic bird maneuver of death. Johnny then uttered the immortal words “You’re alright, LaRusso.” After that we assume they became best buds, shared a cherry smoothie and laughed about their whole silly, deadly rivalry.
It really should have been obvious from the beginning that Carter Burke from Aliens was a sleazy turncoat. One look at the man played by Paul Rizer should tell you he’s the cinematic blueprint for backstabbing traitors. The list of atrocities this douche was responsible for in the film goes on and on. The highlight of Burke’s assholery occurred when he attempted to get Ripley and Newt impregnated by locking them in a room with two alien face-huggers. To seal the deal he even turned off the security camera to prevent any pesky rescue attempts.
Although Ripley saved Newt from Burke’s actions and a billion aliens she couldn’t save her from the shitty writers who killed her off in Alien 3.
Want to take a guess? Burke shared the same fate as most victims did in the Aliens movies. A nasty, vicious alien death. Sweet.
After the success of Porky’s, Hollywood decided to cash in on the teen-sex comedy craze by cranking out awful movies such as Screwballs. True to form, the film is filled with tons of gratuitous nudity. Although the movie is considered a comedy it certainly won’t make you laugh. Instead the films jokes consume portions of your soul a little at a time. The asshole of the movie is Purity Busch as played by a very doable Linda Speciale. Her character is essentially the evil virgin princess and the biggest cock tease in film history. Purity was the type of chick that occupied far too many warped sex fantasies and cost guys a fortune in tissues. She was also quite content giving the entire male population of “T&A” High School, perpetual blue-balls. This was especially true as it pertained to the main characters; five ridiculously horny boys.
In most any 80’s comedy the act of revenge always involves some form of naked public humiliation. Appropriately, at the conclusion of the movie, Purity is exposed in front of the whole school and left 99% nude via circumstances too ridiculous to bother explaining.
Why was she dressed like Lady Liberty? If you actually care then seek help.
In the John Hughes movie universe where Ferris Bueller’s Day Off takes place, skipping school excessively and being the coolest guy in existence can get you into a world of trouble. Now before we actually get into the details in this entry, let’s quickly get one thing established. Every single person reading this article right now skipped school at some point during their high school years. And when you skipped chances are nobody except maybe your parents gave a crap. With this in mind, let’s discuss the Dean of Students, Ed Rooney as played by Jeffrey Jones. Here was a guy neurotic enough to head out into the streets to hunt down the lead character.
As you can see here Ferris spent the day laying low.
Clearly Rooney had a ridiculous beef with Ferris and wasn’t about to let his growing influence over the sportos, motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, waistoids, dweebies and d*ckheads continue any longer. Where Rooney crossed the line of sanity and blatantly broke the law was when he attempted to break into Ferris’ home. Apparently for Rooney, such goofy and excessive behavior was justified…or something. Who cares, the movie still rocks.
Even at a museum Ferris and company found a way to be cool.
When you break into a home and someone actually happens to be in the house you’re bound to get a few kicks to the face. That’s what happened to Rooney thanks to Ferris terrified sister. Also, during the course of the film: Rooney’s car was towed, he lost his wallet, he was nearly eaten alive by a vicious dog and he thoroughly lost his battle with Ferris. To top it off he was forced to ride home on the bus, thus insuring the students of his school witnessed the end result of his really bad day firsthand.
Captain Thaddeus Harris
Any character whose catchphrase is “Move it! Move it! Move it!” deserves not only a high position on our list but a solid beat-down at the hands of a few UFC guys. Captain Harris (G.W. Bailey) who appeared as the hardnosed antagonist in the Police Academy movies was a classic asshole on a power trip. Harris actually began as a Lieutenant in the first film but was promoted to Captain in the sequels. Thus proving being an asshole has its rewards.
Although being a LOUD asshole can sometimes lead to a megaphone being glued to your mouth.
Aside from the silly megaphone prank (pictured above) Captain Harris was made the butt of jokes so often that you could make a drinking game out of his humiliations. Hands down, his biggest embarrassment occurred in the first film when he was thrown from a motorcycle and went headfirst up a horse’s ass. Try to live something like that down. We dare you.
Unfortunately in Saturday morning animated form Captain Harris was spared further horse related mishaps.
Mrs. Ruby Deagle
Number one on our list is Ruby Deagle as played by Polly Holiday. As of this writing Polly is actually still alive despite the fact that she was quite elderly in the 1984 film Gremlins. Anyway, Mrs. Deagle was the rich crotchety town villain of Kingston Falls. Essentially she was a female version of Mr. Burns from The Simpsons. Instead of Smithers she had cats…lots and lots of cats. Aside from being a venomous old coot she also hated the main character Billy Peltzer (Zach Galligan) and his little dog too. The mischievous dog Barney regularly damaged her property, much to her dismay.
Honestly who the hell could blame him?
Naturally, Mrs’ Deagle’s way of dealing with the matter was to publicly threaten Billy. In fact, here’s her sinister quote regarding her intentions toward poor Barney; “I’ll catch the beast myself. He’ll get what he deserves, a slow painful death. Maybe I’ll put him in my spin-drier on high heat.”
Let’s just say we’re glad the gremlins appreciate the potential comedic gold achieved by horribly sung Christmas carols.
Written by Anthony Quaglia – Copyrighted © www.weirdworm.com
- – Chet Donnelly: http://img41.imageshack.us/img41/1669/chetw.jpg http://img20.imageshack.us/img20/6802/ughhhhhhhhh.jpg http://img100.imageshack.us/img100/9305/chet4.jpg
- – Johnny Lawrence: http://img208.imageshack.us/img208/2324/jlaw.jpg http://img266.imageshack.us/img266/6098/maniacz.jpg http://img215.imageshack.us/img215/833/williamzabka.jpg http://img502.imageshack.us/img502/8777/34982974.jpg
- – Carter Burke: http://img191.imageshack.us/img191/1024/damnyouburke.jpg http://www.slightlywarped.com/movies/series/images/aliens.jpg http://img810.imageshack.us/img810/1349/rizer5.jpg
- – Purity Busch: http://img827.imageshack.us/img827/9697/purity.jpg http://img684.imageshack.us/img684/1341/theredone.jpg http://img692.imageshack.us/img692/2117/82041187.jpg
- – Ed Rooney: http://img141.imageshack.us/img141/6212/rooneyx.jpg http://img820.imageshack.us/img820/5691/3434ww.jpg http://img810.imageshack.us/img810/1545/3badasses.jpg http://img692.imageshack.us/img692/2117/82041187.jpg
- – Captain Thaddeus Harris: http://img696.imageshack.us/img696/6149/captharris.jpg http://img39.imageshack.us/img39/3458/glue.jpg http://img338.imageshack.us/img338/7629/saqwqw.jpg http://img835.imageshack.us/img835/815/scale5p.jpg
- – Mrs. Ruby Deagle: http://img52.imageshack.us/img52/859/rubyu.jpg http://img27.imageshack.us/img27/4012/assasasasasaaaaaaaaaaaa.jpg http://img214.imageshack.us/img214/210/ewwwc.jpg http://img689.imageshack.us/img689/9403/81127620.jpg