In high school, I was a Cobra. That was embarrassing. In college I was a Mariner. That was boring. Then I became a teacher at a school that bore uniforms with “Beavers” emblazoned across the chests. I thought I had it pretty rough. Then I met these people:
Stanford Cardinals (Stanford University, Stanford, California)
The mascot is a color. So what’s this green thing? And what’s he doing? And do the girls know that he’s doing it?
Yuma Criminals (Yuma High School, Yuma, Arizona)
Wasn’t this guy in that movie, Heat?
Page Sand Devils (Page High School, Page, Arizona)
It’s creepy enough to want a devil for a high school mascot. But then put a diaper on him? What is that?
Ozark Hillbillies (Ozark High School, Ozark, Arkansas)
I’m wondering why a high school mascot is packing heat.
Scottsdale Community College Fighting Artichokes (Scottsdale, Arizona)
I will never look at artichoke dip in the same way.
UC Santa Cruz Banana Slugs (University of California at Santa Cruz, Santa Cruz, California)
He looks like an alien off the original Star Trek.
Oregon Ducks (University of Oregon, Eugene, Oregon)
This could quite possibly be the scariest mascot ever.
Louisiana’s Ragin’ Cajuns (University of Louisiana at Lafayette)
What is there to say? That dude is just ugly. And his hair clashes.
TCU’s Superfrog the Horned Frog (Texas Christian University, Fort Worth, Texas)
He is really scary. And he doesn’t look like a frog.
University of North Carolina School of the Arts Fighting Pickles (UNCSA, Winston-Salem, North Carolina)
They don’t have any officially sanctioned sports teams, so I guess that gives this pickle its excuse. I would be more intrigued by a big old fried pickle than a fighting one.
Evergreen Geoduck (Evergreen State College, Olympia, Washington)
This guy’s got big balls. For a duck. Or a clam. Or a pickle stuck in a clam. Whatever he is, I’m sure he’s got big balls.