There’s this passage in the Bible I am really fond of. First Epistle to the Corinthians, Chapter 13: When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, and got the internet, I unwillingly saw tons of horse genitalia. I might be paraphrasing a little bit but the spirit of it is there: the World Wide Web can be a terrifying place. But it doesn’t have to be. There is non-horse entertainment out there, and it can be as simple as scavenging around with Google’s Image Search for people who sort of look like famous cartoon characters. Such as:
Peter Griffin (Family Guy)
Extraordinary. Who would have thought that somewhere out there, among the nearly 7 billion people of Earth, there might exist a fat, middle aged, white guy with glasses wearing a white shirt and green pants? I don’t know about you but my mind has been blown so hard I feel I can’t look Google in the eyes anymore. No, you know what? This is just too unbelievable. I am thinking that this guy is a wizard of sorts. Or a shapeshifter (or worse, a shapeshifting wizard!) Let’s find and stab him with some silver to be sure.
Warning, Weird Worm does not in any way support vigilante murders urged on by a most likely drunken Polack.
Editorial Note #2:
We confirmed it. He’s drunk. Also pantless…
Lois Griffin (Family Guy)
I’ll tell you why I like this photo. As a morally upright young man whose sexual deviances do not extend beyond dominatrix midgets covered in kiwi pudding, I never found cartoon characters “sexy.” So it was always hard for me to understand the metric ton of Lois Griffin pornography out there, or why was she such a desirable character on the show. But with this pic – yeah, I can sort of see it. The fiery red hair, the whole suburban soccer mom thing going on with her… And best of all, she does not look as if she was constantly stoned like on the show! That’s always been a deal breaker for me.
Meg Griffin (Family Guy)
Fine, fine, last Family Guy photo, I promise. Still, this one I also kind of like because it explains so freaking much. If you’ve been keeping up with Family Guy because like me you enjoy pretty colors and moving pictures, you know about the show’s hatred for Meg. But why? See, the problem with Meg is that they made her out to be your average teenager. No reason to hate or despise her. But this picture up there? Shit, that is the loser the show has been trying to sell us for all these years. Well ring me up guys, ’cause I am buying it (then locking it in the car and setting the car on fire).
In case you do not recognize the abomination on the right – that’s Carrot Top, the semi-famous prop comedian, somewhat popular in the 90s. Yeah, since losing his foothold on the world of standup he apparently decided to turn himself into an insult against God himself. Lucky for me the end result happens to sort of look like Lion-O, the fearless leader of the Thundercats. What are the Thundercats, you ask? Get out of my sight you worthless excuse for a human being.
Mr. Satan (Dragonball)
If you used to be a kid not that long ago, you know Dragonball, and you know Mr. Satan. Everyone else can just skip over to the next entry, you’re not welcomed here. The similarity here is quite uncanny but what’s really interesting to me is the story behind this picture. I imagine a solitary anime fan riding the subway, probably furiously touching himself semi publically through a hole in his pocket like all anime fans do, I am sure, when he looks up and sees Mr. Satan sitting in front of him. He then takes a picture with his cell phone. I am pretty sure that’s exactly how it all happened and it had to be magical.