She Ran Over My Heart With a Bulldozer
1/2 ounce rum 1/4 ounce Amaretto 1/4 ounce tequila
We have to admit, we're a little confused as to what this has to do with bad relationships. Nonetheless, kids, drink enough of these and you’re liable to pork your way out of yours.
Vodka and soy sauce, to taste.
You have to love how all these drinks have "to taste", as if taste has anything whatsoever to do with drinking this stuff.
1 ounce Jaegermeister 1 ounce tequila 1 ounce Tabasco Sauce
Tabasco turns up in a lot of terrible shots, but we picked this one because of the hot, spicy racism inherent in the name. Apparently the formula for naming many of these abominations goes something like: pick bad liquors from a hat, apply stereotypes from the country of origin of those liquors, high five your brosef and continue being homoerotic.
Equal parts Jaegermeister and mayonnaise We've really got to ask, and we're pretty sure somebody knows the answer to this; do people actually use Jaegermeister for anything other than drinking horrible, disgusting things that no human being should actually consume?
The Seven Seas
Varies according to the bartender
This consists of the first seven things the bartender grabs, mixed together. We actually recommend ordering this shot because it will tell you just how much your bartender actually likes you.
The Dirty Old Man
1 1/2 ounce Malort (god help you) 1/2 ounce Drambuie 3/4 ounce orange juice 1/2 ounce lemon juice 3/4 ounce honey syrup basil leaves
This is the one professional cocktail on the list, included because it includes a drink so vile, so utterly disgusting, that not even college freshmen will drink it voluntarily: Jeppson's Malort. Nobody knows what the hell this stuff is, why it was ever bottled and sold, or why it still exists. But it tastes so bad it has a following, and a Flickr group. This we selected because, well, we tried it, and if you've never had Malort, it's pretty good. If you have had Malort, you will die vomiting just from a hint of the taste. Better luck next time, guys. Well, that was fun, now back to the racism. With a side misogyny.
Hot Mexican Hooker
1 shot tequila Tabasco and tuna brine to taste
What really gets us about this one is the fact that you know somebody came up with the name before inventing the drink, and it offers an uncomfortable look into this pathetic loser's psyche. "Uh, Mexicans all eat spicy food and a women's vajay smells like fish. Derp derp derp!"
Wild Goose Chase
1 shot Wild Turkey 1 shot Grey Goose
We don't get the obsession so many people have with Wild Turkey. The same is true of Grey Goose, which actually isn't that good in the first place. So combine the two and you get …barf?
1/2 Tequila 1/2 Tobasco
Well, we'll give it this. It's simple, it's direct. It's still colossally stupid and pointless, but at least it's elegant. Relatively speaking.
Gorilla Fart/Toenail/Jersey Turnpike
This one goes by many names, but it's stupid no matter how you name it. It's pretty simple: you squeeze out the bar mat into a shot glass and you drink it.
Here's what gets us, aside from the hygiene problem …does anybody doing this realize that this is pretty much what winos do? As in literally? This wasn't invented by a fratboy trying to torture a pledge, or by somebody on the New Jersey tourism board desperately trying to improve the state's image. There was some alcoholic who actually did this.
Now, as far as the hygiene problem goes: if you drink something squeezed out of a bar mat, you deserve what you get. Which will probably be herpes.
Post a comment below to let us know what horrors you're consuming to dull the ache of shattered life!
- - The Four Horsemen: http://www.firehow.com/images/stories/users/79/four-horsemen-shot.jpg
- - Liquid Steak: http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/41qqgywQ7IL._SL500_AA300_.jpg
- - Cement Mixer: http://www.syrupmagazine.com/images/cocktails/drink_images/c/cement_mixer.jpg
- - Rotten Apple: http://www.grouprecipes.com/29345/rotten-apple-martini.html
- - Green Monster: http://www.savoryreviews.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/07/pic813.jpg
- - The Greasy Mexican: http://lukehoney.typepad.com/the_greasy_spoon/images/2007/11/09/margarita.jpg
- - Liquid Cocaine: http://bars.com.au/bartender_images/LIQUIDCOCAINE.jpg
- - Lemon Lightning: http://www.herbology.com.au/herb-blog-ogy/wp-content/uploads/2009/03/lemon_drink.jpg
- - Windex: http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3316/3481171859_82e8757897.jpg
- - Black Death: http://www.brandchannel.com/images/FeaturesProfile/278_profile_img1_blackdeath.jpg
- - Prairie Fire: http://www.dailyfork.com/Prairie-Fire.jpg
- - Gorilla Fart/Toenail/Jersey Turnpike: http://www.goodcocktails.com/recipes/drinks/bourbon.jpg