The Twelve Saddest Exercise Machines

  • August 10, 2010
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The Treadwall

Rock climbing is the most fun you can have outdoors that involves the risk of sheer drops and painful death. The second most fun is taunting bears, in case you were wondering.

Anyway, the Treadwall does actually have some common sense: rock climbing is good exercise and fitting climbing walls into most gyms is pretty much impossible. But we can see some pretty big problems with the design, namely, your feet continually thumping to the floor as you try to decide what handhold you need.

On the other hand, we know THIS won't happen:

So they're one up on treadmills, we guess.


The Shake Weight

Oh, like you didn't know this one was coming.

You remember when we were talking about the iGallop, about how it was just a thin excuse to satisfy somebody's booty fetish? We're actually 100% certain the Shake Weight falls (accidentally) into the same category.

It just looks obscene. There's just no way around it. What's sad is we're also sure that the person who invented it is a charmingly naive soul who just doesn't understand the concept of subtext. If you don't believe us, here's another Shake Weight ad:

We've got to give the model credit, both for acting like that actually did anything, and for not cracking up on camera.


The Entertrainer


The Entertrainer isn't a piece of exercise equipment per se, it's just designed to motivate your lazy rear to exercise. How? With the power of television, naturally!

The Entertrainer is hooked up to your TV, stereo, game system, whatever, and you set a heart rate. If the heart rate drops, the volume gets shut off. So, to keep watching TV, you have to keep your heart rate up.

In psychology, this kind of motivation is traditionally called "the carrot". We're a little worried about what the Entertrainer might do for "the stick."


The Power Plate

What is the Power Plate, you might still be wondering after watching this video? Good question! We had no idea either! That's the power of marketing!

Apparently, the idea behind the Power Plate is that it shakes a lot, so anybody trying to exercise will have to work harder to stabilize themselves. We're not sure how that actually works, but people believe in it.

Then again, people will believe anything.


Dumbbell Alarm Clock


It's the eternal problem: how to get up and do exercise in the morning. Fortunately, the people who've built the dumbbell alarm clock have an answer: annoyance!

Once this alarm goes off, it won't shut up until you do thirty reps with it. Yes, that's really the entire idea behind this piece of equipment. Yes, people bought this. Yes, you can still buy it. Yes, we're ashamed of the human race for this existing, too.


Range of Motion Machine

Go ahead, watch this video for a while. Just watch it. Be mesmerized by it. Be baffled by it. And then be prepared to have absolutely no answers to the questions that are plaguing you about this machine, because we've got no idea how it was invented or why the inventor thinks it's worth $1500 a pop.

Oh yeah. You read that right. $1500 for what looks like the child of a busted sled and a stealth bomber. Maybe they had to pay for the production costs of that awesome promotional video?

Can you top the idiocy of a shakeweight? Let's hear about it in the comments section! Written by Dan Seitz – Copyrighted © Image Sources

Image sources:

  • - The Dumbbell Phone:
  • - Pilates Reformer:
  • - Velcor Shoes:
  • - The Entertrainer:
  • - Dumbbell Alarm Clock: