Boktai decided to combine two things that just don’t go together; playing video games and being outdoors. The cartridge had a solar cell wired into it that figured out how much sunlight was in the room where you were playing, and charged your weapon accordingly. Anybody who has ever played a video game outdoors knows what, exactly, the problem is with this idea and why it was so terrible.

The Nintendo DS was and is a brilliant idea, an innovative console that proved gameplay was what made a console, not graphics. And it invited innovation in its gameplay, with the microphone and the touchscreen. Unfortunately, this being Japan, somebody saw that and immediately decided what this incredible technology should be used for was to create a series of weird minigames that simulated being on a date. As if touching a DS screen was in any way like touching a woman. We think. We…uh…kind of lack one of the crucial reference points to be sure.

Really, the video says it all, but this game really does have to be seen to be believed. For the record, the mahjongg in question isn’t the puzzle game where you match tiles to clear out a tower of ceramic, but rather a game not unlike poker where the tiles are your cards. Also, apparently, it is greatly enjoyed by ripoff superheroes and heavily armed people who like to take their clothes off.

There is no genre more quintessentially Japanese than the dating sim, which reduces getting to know another person and develop an intimate connection of the soul (and possibly groin) to a bunch of coded subroutines with only one answer, usually of the “Take your clothes off” variety.

Actually, we take it back. The genre most quintessentially Japanese is the mech fighter, where you build enormous robots and essentially bash them together. The Japanese love this stuff. They build shrines to this.

But of course these are two totally different genres, and there’s no way anybody would possibly combine them. Where people are sane. But this being Japan, behold “Sakura Wars”.

One of the many, many accusations leveled against Japanese society is that of misogyny. And we can’t understand it at all. The Japanese love and respect their women, and…

Wait, is he…ripping a woman’s clothes off? That’s…that’s no good. OK, he’s stopped. Now…is he slapping that girl? Seriously? He’s slapping a girl aroun-now he’s beating another girl with a baseball bat! This is just…and you’re telling me this isn’t even really a game? It’s just designed to blow off steam.

Japan hates women. You heard it here first.

Written by Dan Seitz – Copyrighted © www.weirdworm.com