The Stories Behind Four Famous Body Parts

  • April 10, 2010
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Hitlers Testicle

Allow me to keep things classy by discussing Hitler's testicle, or lack of. Perhaps many of you are familiar with this little tunesky from the second World War wisely titled “Hitler's Only Got One Ball:”

Hitler had only one brass ball, Ger-ring had two but they were small, Himmler had something simmler, And poor old Go-balls had no balls at all.

hitler as young man

In a rare moment of reflection, Hitler wonders about the testicle that could have been.

So rarely are so many songs sung, documentaries filmed or books written about a single man's testicles. But why does the fascination exist in the first place? Because there's a chance it may have actually been true.

In 1916, Hitler, still a young soldier, fought in the Battle of Somme where over four-hundred thousand of his countrymen lost their lives. He got off easy, making away with only a major groin injury. Hitler lost his left testicle to the injury, or so the story goes.

It's confirmed that Hitler was at the Battle of Somme, it's confirmed that he was injured and the existence of World War Two confirms the injury didn't kill him. However, history somehow lost the most important information of the event: did Hitler, history's greatest monster, really lose a testicle? Political opponents asserted that he did while the Nazi party claimed otherwise, with both parties having very good reason to do so (those reasons being to make a man look silly and to prevent said silliness respectively.) According to the doctor who lead his autopsy, the Soviet doctors were surprised to find the Furher's pants come up a little light. However, that same doctor also claims that Hitler didn't shoot himself in the head, so either he's lying or the corpse he chopped up was that of Charlie Chaplin.

We may never know the truth behind Hitler's testicles. But let's assume that we could, that someday, all this research, these interviews and excavation trips which I assume are happening turn up the fabled missing ball. What could we possibly do with that information? The man's already dead. I'm pretty sure the damned feel no sense of shame.


Oliver Cromwell's Head

Oliver Cromwell wasn't what you would call a popular guy. After executing King Charles I and spending the better part of his political career carrying out military campaigns against the Irish, more than a few people wanted to see him dead. And so they did when his head was displayed impaled atop Westminster Abbey to warn everyone else that, much like the Wu Tang Clan, the British monarchy was nothing to fuck with. Several years later the head was knocked from the Abbey, sending it on a bizarre and creepy journey.


That's a classy mustache for a dead guy.

The first person to swipe old Iron Side's noddle was a guardsman. In dire need of an awesome conversation piece, the guardsman hid the head in his chimney while an active search was underway and a reward issued. He never turned the head in, so either he felt a shriveled, decrepit head was worth more than actual money or he was simply flat-out ignorant to the lack of practical uses a severed and spiked head has.

After spending some time in a London museum, the head was next in the possession of a comedic actor and lovable drunk named Samuel Russell. Believing himself to have been related to Cromwell, Russell proudly took the head everywhere he went. He even took it to local bars, passing it around like it's socially acceptable to palm the skull of a dead man while you're totally smashed. Russell was offered the chance to sell the skull to a jeweler. Drowning in the special kind of debt that alcoholism provides Russel eventually parted with the head.

From the jeweler the head was passed onto three brothers. Having already collected several items of Cromwell's,they opened an exhibit with the head at center stage. Ultimately the show failed, probably because the people of London were finally tired of hearing about Oliver Cromwell and his stupid-ass head making more money dead than they would alive.

And so the head continued to travel until finding it's way into the Wilkinson family's possession in 1815, where it be passed down from generation to generation until Horace Wilkinson, not wanting to deal with museum owners, shifty jewelers and tragic drunks, berried it at Sidney Sussex College at an unmarked location in 1960. Almost three-hundred years after his death, Oliver Cromwell's head was laid to rest, which is probably all he really wanted in the first place. You know, after the decapitation and spike thing.

Written by NN – Copyrighted ©

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