The Six Lamest Superhero Teams

  • March 24, 2010
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4.

Defenders

The Defenders make this list despite not being a team. You might be confused, as this is a list of lame or but that was their entire gimmick, they weren't a team.

Basically, instead of having a lair and interpersonal relationships and all that crap we read team books for, what would happen is somebody, usually Doctor Strange, would stumble on something he couldn't fix alone. Instead of calling in, say, the Avengers, or the X-Men, or S.H.I.E.L.D., or any of the other large groups of heroes who exist pretty much to deal with this stuff, he would bug the Hulk, the Silver Surfer and Namor to team up with him to deal with it.

defenders

Yeah, Namor, the fish guy. You'd think that between the Hulk's near-infinite strength and the Surfer having access to, oh, unlimited cosmic power that the '40s leftover could stay at home, but apparently they needed his extra-strength jerk powers.

Anyway, they'd solve the problem, maybe mope a little bit about how they were all loners, and then split up…until the next issue. It was like taking the biggest powerhouses in the Marvel Universe and putting them into Degrassi, except nobody in Degrassi can destroy the universe last we checked.

5.

Alpha Flight

Unlike anybody trying to get comedy from comics, we are not going to make fun of Alpha Flight for being Canadian, even if they seem like an attempt to be the single most stereotypical collection of Canadians ever. Canada has been home to entire legions of men who could pick their teeth with our delicate, lady-like femurs. This is a country that is largely woods, ice and oil, a real man's man country. And they were created by a Canadian, John Bryne, who really wanted to properly represent his home country.

alpha flight

No, we're making fun of Alpha Flight because they suck. Look at this line-up; Sasquatch, a hairier and smarter Hulk; Shaman, the team sorcerer and Native American stereotype; Northstar and Aurora, who are basically the Flash with a flash-bang grenade and one of the creepiest family histories in comics; Snowbird; who can turn into any Canadian animal (form of a beaver!); and Puck, who's basically a tough midget. Marvel's tried to turn this team into a success we don't know how many times, lately falling back on making it "dark and gritty". Oh, yeah, because THAT worked out so well.

6.

Justice League Detroit

Before DC decided to turn the team into a joke in the '80s, DC did it unintentionally. You see, there was this big arc where the Justice League all broke up because all the heroes were busy doing things like saving humanity on their own. So Aquaman threw a hissy fit, dissolved the team, and started it back up in Detroit.

league detroit

The new team roster was Aquaman, Zatanna, Martian Manhunter, the Elongated Man, Vixen, and three new teenage heroes that were so popular, this part of the book climaxed with them being murdered. Then Aquaman quit to try and save his marriage, probably realizing what a douche he'd been in the process by demanding the team all have no personal lives, and Zatanna quit because she loved her abusive scumbag boyfriend so much for carving her up to perform genetic experiments on her. Yes, that last part actually happened.

Anyway, the team eventually dissolved, like everything in Detroit, and became a joke, like everything in Detroit. But at least they gave us those noble fallen teen heroes, that we'll remember always…um…geez…what were their names? You'd think DC would have rebooted them by now or something...

Written by Dan Seitz – Copyrighted © www.weirdworm.com Image Sources

Image sources:

  • - Darkstars : http://img2.pict.com/1c/a3/bb/009bfddb82830dbbeb74ce42f8/Yx1HW/800/darkstars2300fc.jpg
  • - Champions : http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Champions-1.jpg
  • - Suicide Squad : http://spider-bob.com/teams/dc/images/SuicideSquad_02.jpg
  • - Defenders : http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/4/47/DefendersIII1.jpg
  • - Alpha Flight : http://robot6.comicbookresources.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/alpha-flight.jpg
  • - Justice League Detroit : http://onceuponageek.com/images/aquacover18.jpg
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