When it came to my attention that something called a “Snooki” was apparently writing a book after gaining fame on a horrifyingly popular show called Jersey Shore, I had a couple of initial reactions. The first was that I found it amazing that Snooki is apparently literate. The second? This might not even end up being the most pointless so-called book written by a “celebrity” that we’ve seen come along in recent years. And even more frightening is the fact that she might not be the least qualified celebrity author, either. Okay, that’s not true. She’s by far the least qualified person for anything, other than maybe midget mud wrestling. Anyway, here are some pretty pointless books written by some pretty pointless people…
Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt
Book: How to be Famous: Our Guide to Looking the Part, Playing the Press, and Becoming a Tabloid Fixture
Judging by their rise to fame, I’m thinking the chapter titles probably consist of stuff like Act Like an Ass on National TV, Have Rich Parents, and Become Addicted to Plastic Surgery. Because after all, these days it appears that any of those things will do the trick. They certainly have worked for Heidi and Spencer, two of the most detestable people to ever find their way into the American mainstream. Spencer alone is proof that all you need to gain fame is to be an entitled a***ole with no likable qualities whenever a television camera is nearby, while Heidi…
Well, let’s just say that the media doesn’t mind fawning over plastic looking blondes with big boobs. Now these are some role models for the kids! And if the only qualification for becoming famous is having money and being a douchebag, then apparently the only qualification for writing a book is having once set foot in a bookstore. Actually, scratch that. I’m not convinced that either of these two have ever done that.
Book: Hooking Up with Tila Tequila: A Guide to Love, Fame, Happiness, Success and Being the Life of the Party
Right alongside Heidi and Spencer on the Mount Rushmore of undeserving celebrities is the diminutive Tila Tequila, whose claims to fame seem to be wearing little to no clothing, being a slut, and the ability to carry and withstand every sexually transmitted disease known to man. I do have to give her credit for coming right out and naming a book after the very reason she’s famous: the fact that she’ll hook up with anyone, anything, anywhere, all for a little money.
While I’m here, I’d like to note the apparent trend of these wannabe celebrities claiming these books are guides. Frankly, you’d be just as well off taking guidance from a drunk polar bear with a machine gun. Actually, that sounds pretty badass. Let’s make that book happen.
Who knew that when not pimping fake butter or posing for romance novel covers, Fabio was actually writing? Hell, who knew that he could even write? Of course, judging by some of the critical lambasting of his book, apparently that second question is up for debate.
According to Amazon, Wild is the tale of a woman caught up in a torrid love affair that’s interrupted by a shocking murder. Man, isn’t that always the way it goes? One minute you’re hooking up with some bimbo (like Tila Tequila) on some rich asshole’s (like Spencer Pratt) yacht, and the next thing you know you’re surrounded by blood and police. Oh, if only the victim were Spencer himself, then maybe the police would let you slide. By the way, I’m glad to see that Fabio doesn’t mind pulling double duty. Not only did he author this 348 turd, but he also appeared on the cover. And so did his manboobs, naturally.
Book: L.A. Candy
One of the old pals of Spencer and Heidi (seriously, we just can’t get away from them, can we? Maybe their guide to being fixtures in the public eye is dead on after all) on The Hills or Laguna Beach or one of those horrific shows that ruined MTV, Lauren Conrad decided that the world needed a heaping helping of her L.A. Candy, which apparently tells the “fictional” story of a girl in L.A. who suddenly finds fame on a reality show. Yeah, big creative stretch for you there, LC.
At this point, I’m not sure which is more troubling: the fact that this is geared toward teenage girls and will only further serve to dumb down the American youth, or the fact that somehow, miraculously, this book actually hit the best seller list. Apparently the American youth was already plenty dumb before picking up this little gem.