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When you get down to it, every sport on Earth is pretty damn weird. Football (Yanks): OK, so we have this leather egg which we will try to carry to your side while you guys try to put us in wheelchairs. Football (Euros): So I, like, kick this ball and after two hours, if the planets align properly, someone might kick it into that goal over there. Basketball: See that metal ring with the net? Let’s call it a basket and create an entire game around putting a ball into it. Oh, and, let’s keep this one away from whitey. Boxing: F***! I failed my GED! Now what I’ll do with my life…?
Yeah, sports come in all shapes, sizes and shades of weirdness, so how in the world could you choose six and call them “weird?” Easy:
Man vs. Horse Marathon
This one is pretty self explanatory. You have a man, you have a horse and you… verse them against each other. MvH is a race between human runners and contestants on horses, racing at a distance of 22 miles, which isn’t even close to a marathon length, but whatever. It’s only played in Wales, because Wales has already won the fear and respect of the entire world (especially the UK), so they can afford a little bit of goofing around, eh?
Now, you would expect that in a show of strength between a human and a few-hundred-pound animal built for hard labor the horses would win each and every time (and get to eat the human losers as incentive for next year’s race, though that might just be us). But surprisingly the humans occasionally win this thing… exactly two humans since 1987. So, yes, the odds are a little bit against the humans, but can you imagine if you did win and got to use the greatest pick-up line in history: “Yeah I once raced a few horses and won, want to have sex?”
Ice hockey might possibly be one of the manliest sports in existence, putting together speed, strength, knives on shoes and big wooden sticks for hitting black stones on ice. On the other hand, field hockey is the nerdy, asthmatic, distant cousin of ice hockey, putting together lack of shame with the crippling realization that you probably won’t ever have sex with a sentient human, so you might as well play some field hockey. Unicycle hockey is that guy field hockey bullies in the locker room.
Unicycle hockey, as you might have already guessed you damn geniuses you, is basically field hockey played on unicycles, the least practical form of transportation in the history of everything. The game itself is insanely restricted, forbidding your stick from ever touching the ground, but always having to keep it below your hips, while throwing it away or making long shots is strictly banned. Basically, it’s the type of sport which will make you want to give yourself a wedgy.
When it comes to manly sports, arm wrestling is right up there with ice hockey. What’s manlier than two sweaty men in a powerful embrace of their appendages, grunting and huffing while trying to pin the other guy on the table? But leave it to the British to nancy it all up with their crumpets and powdery wigs and what have you not by switching arms for toes in the sport of Toe Wrestling.
The rules of this mainly British sport are basically the same as for thumb war, only here played with feet. Most leagues (LEAGUES!) even actually chant the ‘One, two, three, for, I declare a thumb war’ intro before the match. And to make the whole experience twice as sad, it’s usually customary for the players to take off each other’s shoes and socks (tickling and kissing the opponent’s feet is strangely not commented upon in the official rules).
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