The 6 Most Absurd Origins of an Ancient God

  • October 22, 2010
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3.

Athena

Mythology of Origin: Greek

The Myth:

In the Greek pantheon, Athena is one of the most respected deities. That being said, her birth was one right out of a circus sideshow.

The story goes that Zeus was a horny fellow, and he decided to ride it up with the titan Metis. But, things were not going to swimmingly for him. You see, prophecies were commonplace back then. One specific prophecy was that Metis would give birth to a child more powerful than the father. Zeus was nervous about this, as most of these prophecies in myths would come true.

So what was his response to such a prophecy? He ate his consort.

athena

Get in mah belly!

Yes, he ate her, down to every last bone. In fact, he just swallowed the titaness whole. Unfortunately for him, the woman had already conceived the child, and would continue to grow inside of her inside of him.

Probably nine months later, he got a wrenching headache, but not because his kid was annoying. No, he just got a headache, seemingly out of nowhere (we knew Zeus wasn’t that smart). So, being the egghead he was, Zeus convinced Hephaestus to crack open his skull to see what was bugging him. Suddenly, ATHENA OUT OF F#@&ING NOWEHERE just popped out of his head, fully formed and clad in armor.

athena01

Athena’s direct descendent.

2.

Horus

Mythology of Origin: Egyptian

The Myth:

The story begins with a simple story of sibling rivalry between Osiris and Set. Osiris, the King of the Gods, was envied by his brother, Set, the God of Destruction, because he was the king. Set, being next in line for the throne, figured that he would kill Osiris and steal his position.

As all brothers do when they plot to kill their brother, he threw a party in a deceiving plan to murder Osiris. The plan was, essentially, to lock Osiris into a sarcophagus. Unfortunately for Osiris’ intelligence’s reputation, he fell for it and was sealed in. The coffin was then floated down the Nile. Set found the coffin, opened it up, and cut up Osiris into fourteen different parts.

It turns out, when his wife, Isis, was looking for his chopped up body, she could only find thirteen of fourteen pieces.

horus

Fractions are fun!

It’s unfortunate for Osiris that the only piece that could not be found was his penis. When he was brought back to life (amazing on its own), Set’s friendly sister-wife helped Isis by making a golden phallus for him to “wear.”

After Isis and Osiris “commemorated” the day they were reunited, Horus was conceived. And that’s how babies are born… with f#%@ing gold dicks.

1.

Shu and Tefnut

Mythology of Origin: Egyptian

The Myth:

In the beginning, the universe. It was big. Endless, really. It was wet. What was the water on? It really doesn't matter. All that does matter is that, suddenly, Atum came into being. He is said to have made himself... however the hell that works. Anyway. The story begins when Atum was sitting at home on his mound, feeling lonely. He needed a companion. So what did he do? He made himself a wife, named Iusaaset. They must have had a good first date, because he ended up sleeping with her. Yes - Atum was a playa'.

shu

Atum.

From this mentally-disturbing intercourse, two gods were born: Shu, the God of Air, and Tefnut, the Goddess of Moisture.

"But wait!" You exclaim. "That's not retarded at all! That's how a lot of ancient creation stories go." Well, Mr. Impatient, let’s finish the story.

You know what the goddess Iusaaset is represented by? Atum's freakin’ hand. That's right – Atum ed his hand (i.e. masturbated) two gods into existence.

shu01

Dude – when you said your girlfriend’s name was Jenine, I thought it was kind of weird that you named your hand.

It was from the semen that the gods were born. We are not told how, why, or even how long after he finished his business. We just know that two gods arose from primordial ooze.

What other awesomely ridiculous conceptions can you dreg up from myth? Post them below!

Written by Sam Blitz – Copyrighted © www.weirdworm.com Image Sources

Image sources:

  • - Second Generation of Frost Giants: http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/b/bf/Armpit_by_David_Shankbone.jpg/800px-Armpit_by_David_Shankbone.jpg
  • - The Enrinyes/The Gigantes/Aphrodite: http://doseng.org/uploads/posts/1179697862_1.jpg http://www.cyprus-car-hire-rental-trust.com/images/birth-of-aphrodite.jpg
  • - Hermaphroditus: http://imagecache6.allposters.com/LRG/26/2600/ZAKVD00Z.jpg http://mythologica.fr/grec/pic/hermaphrodite_2.jpg
  • - Athena: http://www.bestweekever.tv/bwe/images/2008/11/Zeus.jpg http://www.linkwhip.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/03/Alpaca-Out-Of-Fucking-Nowhere.jpg
  • - Horus: http://cms.attleboroschools.com/CMS/fraction2.jpg
  • - Shu and Tefnut: http://planetill.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/pimp-c.jpg http://adamthinks.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/03/fratboy.jpg
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