1. The Berlin Wall
In the last months of 1989, as the Berlin Wall came down and Germans were tearfully reunited with long lost friends and family, most people around the world celebrated. But it was not a happy day for one woman, who was appalled that those selfish Germans could tear down her beloved husband. Yes, this woman married the Berlin Wall.
Eija-Riitta Berliner-Mauer (she even changed her last name to Berlin Wall) claims to have fallen in love with the structure when she saw it on TV at the age of seven. She collected pictures of the wall while saving up to pay a visit, eventually getting a chance to visit her love numerous times. They were “married” in 1979, and she says that she had a full, loving, physical relationship with the wall. That’s what we refer to as “holy s**t, too much information you crazy lady!”
Berliner-Mauer was devastated when the wall came down, but she’s moved on and fallen in love with a local garden fence. So her story has a happy ending, as she’s gotten over the “death” of her famous, exotic lover and has settled for the simple fence next door. How heart warming. Wait, no, not heart warming, that other thing. Horrifying.
2. A Roller Coaster
Amy Wolfe is a woman who likes roller coasters. Not in the “boy, that was a fun and exciting ride” kind of way, but more in the “wow, that giant steel machine is so incredibly sexy” way. Wolfe (soon to be Weber, after her lover’s manufacturer) has ridden “1001 Nachts” over 3000 times in the past 10 years, and in order to do so travels 160 miles about 10 times a year. She claims to have first developed feelings for the ride when she was 13, when on a trip to the amusement park she laid eyes on the ride and instantly developed feelings for it both mentally and sexually. Again, too much info.
Since her husband is a hard working amusement park ride and Wolfe lives far away they can’t always be together. That’s why she has a picture of the ride on her bedroom ceiling, and carries around its spare nuts and bolts in her pocket. Unsurprisingly, her relationship has caused her some problems, but for the most part her friends and family are behind her. Let’s hope the amusement park staff are as well, otherwise things could get awkward. And thankfully Wolfe isn’t a jealous woman, because she doesn’t mind other people riding her husband. Man, 300 rides a year and no objection to other women; she’d be the perfect wife if she was into people and not roller coasters.
3. A Dolphin
Dolphins are pretty cool animals, its hard to deny that. It’s no wonder that some people grow to like them. Loving and marrying them however, is a little different. But Sharon Tendler did just that, getting hitched with an Israeli dolphin (mazel tov!) in 2006. It was a modest ceremony, as they simply exchanged kisses and pieces of herring before enjoying a swim together.
Tendler is a British national, but she flies down to Israel several times a year to visit her love. A long distance relationship can be tough, especially when your husband is a sea creature that doesn’t understand the concept of marriage, but luckily Tendler is pretty understanding. She doesn’t mind the idea of her fish playing the flippered field, and she’s open to the idea of wedding within her own species someday. She just wanted to show that she really liked that dolphin. Thankfully, there’s no evidence of her showing that she really, really liked that dolphin, if you know what I mean.
4. The Eiffel Tower
In another example of getting it on with national landmarks, Erika La Tour Eiffel married the Eiffel Towel in 2008. She has a long history of relationships with inanimate objects, starting with a bow that helped her become a world class archer, to a fondness with the Berlin Wall (let’s hope Eija-Riitta isn’t jealous, she’s already been through enough), and she also claims to have a physical relationship with a piece of a fence she keeps in her bedroom. It’s just like the old saying goes, “if you love someone, chop them up and put a piece of them in your bedroom for when you get lonely.” Also, are splinters a problem? Let’s not go there.
All that’s in the past now anyway, as Erika is firmly committed to her French lover. She bemoans the fact that her husband is so firmly in the public eye, because that prevents the two of them from ever enjoying a truly intimate relationship. Nonetheless, they enjoy a stable relationship. There was some controversy when she was caught making out with the Golden Gate Bridge, but apparently they’ve patched that little rift up and moved on. Erika is a one massive steel construction kind of lady from here on out.
5 . A Robot
Proving that it’s not just women that can fall in love with objects or animals, Zoltan (who keeps his real name private) is a guy with a love story both far stranger and far more depressing than the others on this list. 33 years old and living with his parents, he nervously popped the question to Alice, his robotic, hand built girlfriend. Claiming that he isn’t very good with human relationships, (read: girls are scary), Zoltran built Alice both for emotional and physical companionship. Once again, ew.
Alice is basically an inflatable sex toy enhanced with a voicebox and a basic artificial intelligence program. You can communicate with her, but don’t expect your conversations to have a great deal of intellectual depth to them. The sex probably isn’t that great either, but for a relationship that only cost about two hundred bucks you can’t complain too much. Zoltran runs a website that features a guide on how to create your own robot spouse, which is an interesting read if you’re either really, really into electronics or just have a general need to feel terrified.
It’s easy to make fun of Zoltran for being weird (seriously, try a joke or two at home, it’s really easy), but hey, the guy appears to be happy with his love life. That’s probably more than most of you reading this can claim. And that’s weird.
Written by Mark Hill – Copyrighted © www.weirdworm.net
