The 5 Dumbest X-Men Characters

  • May 11, 2010
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One of the few mutants who’s power is as “fabulous” as their derriere.

Regardless of your opinions of Dazzler, at least she has a good enough state of mind to look half decent , despite how awful her powers may be. Dazzler can utilize ‘null point energy’ and some other fake science terms to convert sound into light, making her totally awesome at parties, and decidedly less awesome at everything else. The only place her powers could be usefully applied would be, say, a music concert.

Funny that, because Dazzler was initially supposed to be a ‘singing superhero’ in the late 70’s, back when writers could do whatever the hell they wanted. The idea was to not only create a character in the X-Men universe, but make a movie tie-in and an actual singer in real life. Of course, that really doesn’t have too much to do with the actual character herself, but it still manages to make everyone in the world hate her a little bit more. The idea that she was created as a complete corporate cash cow just makes her seem like Miley Cyrus with nicer thighs.


Artie Maddicks

artie maddicks

Luckily we’re evolved enough to accept a lump of chewed gum as a superhero

Similar to Doug Ramsey, Artie seems to be too cool to actually possess a nickname. The comparison to Doug Ramsey doesn’t end there, however. He is also as useless as a rock when it comes to being an X-Men character. Despite looking like he could have hardened armor-skin or crazy squinting powers, Artie can speak in pictures. Tada! Being mute, Artie can somehow telepathically create images to represent his thoughts.

While once again quite useless on the battlefield, Arties powers actually make his everyday life much more difficult. If you could convert sound to light, you’d at least be able to live a normal life if you controlled your powers, but in Artie’s case it takes him a lifetime to ask for directions. His power supposedly makes up for his muteness, but he is either dead stupid or extremely unlucky because he can’t form images of words, which would totally fix the problem right away. Instead, anyone trying to have a conversation with him ends up playing an extended game of Pictionary with him. Also, we’d imagine using a phone would be next to impossible.

Written by Derek James – Copyrighted © Image Sources

Image sources:

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  • - Doug Ramsey:
  • - Jazz:
  • - Dazzler:
  • - Artie Maddicks: