Death is always watching, and always waiting. Yes, always. It doesn’t matter whether you’re watching TV on the couch, or putting up some new shelves, or feeding the cat, the claimer of souls always has your back. And no, we don’t mean in the ‘Bad Boys’ Martin Lawrence/Will Smith bromance kinda way either. He’s going to reap you whenever he damn well feels like it. Even if you’re on the can at the time, as these twelve horrifying tales show...
Anonymous Man from Johannesburg
In May 2002, a 74-year-old man from Johannesburg bled to death from cuts received when he fell on shattered porcelain from a toilet bowl that had collapsed under his weight.
Jane Runchman, a 48-year-old woman from Louisville, Kentucky, died in March 1986 after slipping from a toilet with a broken seat. The primary cause of death was an injury sustained to the head, but she also suffered a broken leg and wrist.
The problem we can see with this, however, is why was she sitting on a broken seat to start with? Which psychotic thinks to themselves “Yes, this busted piece of porcelain which has the capacity to become very sharp in the time it takes me to finish this sentence. That’s where I want to place my ass”.
A burglar attempting to rob a home in Los Angeles in 1992 died when he slipped on the floor, after entering through a bathroom window, and fell headfirst against the toilet.
On 1st January 1997, convicted killer Laurence Baker died while serving a life sentence in a Pittsburgh prison. He was electrocuted by a fault in his homemade earphones as he watched a portable TV on his cell’s metal toilet.
Wait, in prison you can watch TV on the can? Where do we sign? Although, that said, we’ll bring our own headphones thanks.
Kenneth Matthews, a 58-year-old man from Moss Bluff, Florida, was beaten to death by housemate Franklin Crow in February 2006. The reason for the violent attack, according to Crow, was that there was “a lack of toilet paper" in the bathroom they shared.
Man, we would have hated the see the fight that would have erupted had either of them completed the crossword without the other knowing, or if any ...ahem... organic matter remained in the bowl after flushing.
A flatbed truck carrying several toilet bowls and tanks swerved to avoid a trashcan that had been rolled into the road in Clackamas County, Oregon. This led to several toilets falling from the vehicle onto traffic behind it. One toilet bowl smashed through the windshield of a car, leading to a crash that killed its driver.
The ironic machinations of Death combined with the inherent perils of alcohol seem to have played a part in the freakish demise of 33 year old Anais Gloreaux. The woman, who hailed from the northern Belgian town of Pulle, had spent a Saturday evening in 2005 out drinking at a variety of bars with several of her closest friends. On her way home, she decided to take a short cut through the town’s cemetery.
Needing to answer an urgent call of nature, Gloreaux crouched down between the gravestones to relieve herself, whereupon she was suddenly attacked by a plague of the undead, who were no doubt desperate to find out why this drunken woman was pissing all over their final resting places.
Nah, only joking. As she tried to stand up after finishing the deed, she lost her balance and seized hold of one of the tombs to stop herself from falling. Unfortunately the tombstone she grabbed worked its way loose and collapsed on top of her. According to the public prosecutions office, which originally investigated the death and subsequent discovery of Gloreaux’s body as a possible murder, she died of suffocation after being unable to lift the stone off from on top of her.
In 2001, a 32-year-old male camper died in Montabaur, Germany, when the campsite toilet he was using exploded due to a build-up of leaking gas from a septic tank.
Michael Anderson Godwin
Murderer Michael Anderson Godwin spent several years fighting the sentence of death by electric chair while being held in a South Carolina jail. In March 1989, he was sitting on a metal toilet seat on his cell as he attempted to fix his small TV set. He bit through a wire and was fatally electrocuted. What is it with prisons, toilets and TV’s?
In 1956, Jacques Soulet, a Frenchman of restricted height (which we guess is a fancy way of saying, ‘a short ass’), was visiting New York on theatrical business. He died from complications of a genital injury sustained when the toilet lid fell down whilst he was urinating.
Seven People. We Repeat: Seven Goddamn People
Tragedy engulfed a small village in the Surkhonaryo province of Uzbekistan in August 2005. A father and son digging a 23ft overflow pit for an outdoor latrine fell into the sewage as the sides of the pit collapsed. Five neighbours and relatives who rushed to their aid died from inhaling poisonous gases after they lowered themselves into the sewage to try and rescue the men.
Ramonito Yuson, a 37 year old taxi driver from Manila in the Philippines, got a fatal shock when he made an illicit stop to answer a call of nature. Pulling up in a quiet street in the Intramuros district in the early hours of a Saturday morning in 2002, Yuson ignored local bylaws preventing public urination and began to piss against a lamppost.
Unfortunately for him, there was an exposed live wire at its base and electricity from the lamppost arced along the stream of his urine and electrocuted him. A local police spokesman commented that the death should serve as a warning to all those that pee in public places, which to be honest, is a bit fucking harsh.