Subscribe to our newsletter
We get it about vodka; it's basically the closest you get to pure alcohol before you start getting into drinks that are less liquor and more fuel for small engines or paint solvents. It's easy to make, incredibly popular, and in what way does that excuse any of these ridiculous flavors?
Espresso/Double Espresso from Van Gogh
First things first, we know no Italian made this, which is probably why this brand is named after an insane French painter. The Italians have their own kind of alcoholic jet fuel, and they'd never waste a good espresso on this. Instead we're left with the utter bafflement of a coffee-flavored vodka, where anything pleasant about the coffee flavor is removed.
Seriously, this is like making "bitter tasting vodka". Why does this even exist? Who drinks this? Who makes a drink with this? Why not just put vodka in coffee? You'd get the same effect.
Oh, also, if the double espresso isn't bitter enough for you, some company out there makes a triple espresso.
Bacon, from Bakon
Bacon is trendy right now. The joke is "everything is better with bacon." So people wrap turkeys in bacon, cover bacon with chocolate, wear t-shirts that look like bacon, and in short generally make themselves look like thirteen year olds with no self control. Which your author, looming above you because he gets paid to write about cartoons and toys, is totally better than.
Anyway, somebody actually took this joke seriously and infused vodka with a bacon flavor. This seems like an absolutely awesome idea until you stop and realize that there is precisely one, count it, one drink that would benefit from this flavor, and that's a bloody mary. Everything else is just rendered kind of disgusting; we don't drink screwdrivers because they taste like breakfast.
Bubble Gum, from Three Olives
You already know you're in trouble when a vodka brand describes itself as "seriously fun" and "super-premium". That's like E! shows calling themselves "super new". Adding "super" doesn't make something good.
Apparently, Three Olives is English vodka, which they gloat about importing as if the English were known for their vodka. If they have to flavor it like it's tasting like bubble gum, then maybe they should trade up. How'd the English start brewing vodka anyway, did they leave a batch of beer in the vat too long or something?
Bison Grass, from Bison
Bison grass is, well, grass. It's what bison eat. The idea is that by adding a tincture of bison grass to the vodka, you get the smell, and presumably the flavor, of fresh-mown hay.
First of all, we question the idea of hay-flavored vodka. No. Just…no. We're not horses. If horses start drinking martinis, well, then we need to stop dropping so much acid. Secondly, bison grass has a small problem in that it's full of poison. Bison grass contains lots and lots of coumarin, which is the main ingredient in some rat poisons.
It's been banned across the world as a food additive. Oh, and just to add to the stupid, it attacks…drumroll please…the liver.
So your vodka has a plant full of a poison that attacks the one organ a drinker really needs up and running. Great work, guys. Just…spectacular work.
Tomato, from Three Olives
Maybe Bakon Vodka came into existence to justify this bad idea, from Three Olives.
Tomato vodka again sounds great in theory, but, well, it's booze that tastes like tomatoes. Tomatoes. What are you going to use it in, beyond a Bloody Mary? This is a vodka infusion that exists almost entirely to trick your friends. They ask you for a vodka martini, you make it with tomato vodka. They ask for a screwdriver, you make it with tomato vodka. They shoot you for being a jerk, you sterilize the wound with tomato vodka.
5 Ad Campaigns That Backfired - #5 With True Message
It's fair to say that in the digital age we're beaten over the head with advertising on a regular basis. With constant exposure to commercials, banner ads, and other spots trying...
7 Utterly Bizarre Assassination Attempts
Assassinations are a dirty part of global politics and warfare, and as you can probably guess there are tons of attempts on the lives of political leaders that you never even hear...
15 of the Scariest Urban Legends From Around the World
Everyone loves a good old fashioned urban legend. People love getting a good scare, and something about urban legends just makes it feel like these things could have actually...
15 Myths About History You Probably Believe
It turns out that a lot of what you were reading in history textbooks was wrong, and some of the things you believe are either skewed by false information passed down through the...
8 Prettiest Nations in Europe
It might be hard to tell the difference between women in Europe, but every man with a keen eye will tell you exactly why these nations have the prettiest women.
13 Things You Didn’t Know About the Lord of the Rings Movies
The Lord of the Rings will go down as one of the greatest movie trilogies in history, and this year Peter Jackson’s follow-up trilogy The Hobbit will be coming to a close as...
13 Crazy World Records You Won’t Believe People Bothered to Set
These are the people who work on breaking and re-breaking world records that no one in their right mind would ever even consider as a legitimate thing. You know, the records that...
13 Famous Fictional Characters You Didn’t Know Were Based on Real...
Through all mediums of entertainment - music, movies, books, and so forth - we get attached to the truly great, fleshed out characters who just jump off the page or screen and...
14 Painfully Awkward Family Photos You Have to See to Believe
No one likes sitting down and taking family photos. After all, it’s always such a weird feeling to have a photographer posing you just a little too close to your siblings and...