The 10 Tackiest Things Only the Superrich Can Afford

  • April 18, 2010
  • 119,277
  • Science
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House Rings

Hey, speaking of classy stuff in the shape of buildings, you know what's even classier than a household item shaped like a building? A big honking chunk of jewelry shaped like a building! Especially when you're four years old and big honking objects on your hand are incredibly cool, because you have no concept of taste.

The rich appear to be roughly four, because these house rings are made out of gold and platinum. To be fair, it's pretty neat how accurate the jewelers got these buildings to look. Just imagine, that time and energy might have been frittered away doing something lesser, like building a homeless shelter or something.

house rings


A Gold wine rack

OK, we can't even muster up sarcasm for this one. Seriously? Seriously?! A gold wine rack? It's bad enough this thing is designed to display wines you bought because they were expensive, but they just had to go and make this look like gold-plated IKEA furniture to boot. Every literature PhD candidate and broke early-twenties college student had the same rack, only it was made of white plastic and purchased for $1.98.

We bet this is gold-plated IKEA. It might not even be real gold. We bet if you scraped you could get that "gold" off.

gold wine rack


Gold light switch plate

We'll give this one this, at least it's simple. No diamonds, no curlicues, no engraving, no nothing, just a solid gold plate. That happens to be a light switch plate. Because you can never let anybody in your house forget, for even a moment, that you are so nauseatingly rich you can afford to spend money on gold light-switch plates just to remind anybody who uses it how rich you are.

The fun part here is, as we mentioned, gold is a conductor, of both heat and electricity. So one short wire and you've got one crispy rich douche.

gold light switch plate


Gold coin gown

OK, so, you've managed to infuse everything up to your clothes with gold. Not that you have to stop there. There's gold thread, gold plates, or you could just stop goofing around and really do it right. Wear a dress covered in gold coins.

This thing costs about $275,000, including the fur, because of course you have to have fur, and weighs eighteen pounds. Eighteen freaking pounds! It weighs more than the small yappy dogs that were obviously skinned for those fur accents! But we guess that it does, at least, have some practicality: you'll never have to worry about hitting the ATM wearing this little number.

gold coin gown


A tissue holder

So it comes to this. We could take the coin-covered gowns, and the car that whales unwillingly gave their penises to upholster, and the '80s wine rack, and the switchplate but this…this is too much.

You know why Communism happened? The Tissue Pochette. This is exactly what everybody who bashed the capitalist system was ever talking about. This is a tissue holder. A tissue holder. Something so disposable they come free in plastic with a pack of tissues from the store. And this store wants $45 for it. The cost of four movie tickets and a date with the disabled guy in the back row. The cost of a week's worth of groceries for a single person. For a tissue holder.

Suddenly, we have an overwhelming urge to stick a bayonet in a Tsar.

a tissue holder

Written by Dan Seitz – Copyrighted © Image Sources

Image sources:

  • - The Gold iPod :
  • - The Leopard Print Rolex :
  • - The Gold Coffee Mug :
  • - The World's Most Disgusting SUV :
  • - The Rose Gold Tourist Souvenir Lighter :
  • - House Rings :
  • - A Gold wine rack :
  • - Gold light switch plate :
  • - Gold coin gown :
  • - A tissue holder :