Terrible Valentine’s Day Gifts

  • February 14, 2010
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“Adult” Candy Heart Sayings

Dentists and fans of diabetes alike can rejoice: recent studies which I think are real but I can't be bothered to actually verify indicate that Valentine's Day is top day for candy consumption in the United States. But what if you're not the usual Junk Food Junkie? What if, while stuffing your face with those sugar treats, you need to send the message “I'd much rather be having unpleasant sex with you” in the form of a choking hazard?

candy heart

You know what's great about gag gifts? Absolutely nothing. Featuring all the subtlty of a Joe Pesci's vocabulary, these candies are the sort of thing you buy when a) you're down to your last five dollars after Baron Bob robs you blind or b) you really don't care about who you're buying them for but still carry the slightest hopes that you can trick them into letting you see them naked.


KISS Valentines Card

I came to the startling realization recently that I tend to write about KISS a lot. Before I got into the wild, wild world of comedy writing, I didn't even know who they were. Hey, if a bunch of guys in makeup want to sing about love guns, that's their buisness. But then as I began researching various topics I discovered that KISS had perverted them all. Wacky caskets? Check. Terrible made-for-TV movies? Boom-diggity. Creepiest condoms? Unfortunately. So I thought it would be cute to Google “KISS Valentines Card.”

kiss valentines card

And there you go, Internet. That's not just the front of the card, it's the whole damn thing. There are two inside covers and the back using the same amount of space that are completely left blank, and if you're not surprised by that, it's because you don't realize that Gene Simmons is a man who will put his face on any damn thing to make a quick three dollars.

Meanwhile, we don't even get an image of the which KISS members took a break from rock n' rolling all night to wish us a happy holiday. Either the guy in marketing finally offed himself or this is sign that the KISS machine has finally begun to slow down. At long last, I can sleep again.


Stuffed Bears

Quick question: when did bears, nature's people threshers, become an acceptable symbol of love, peace and harmony? Maybe I'm looking a little too deeply into the logistics of the gift here, but have you ever seen a bear hug something and not immediately maul it afterwords? No, you haven't, because that's what bears do. They maul. They maul and break hearts.

stuffed bears


Erotic Cakes

You know what? Once you reach a certain age, Valentine's Day stops being about candy and becomes a simple task to sextify someone. If there's one day you're practically entitled to sex, it's this fake holiday. It is not, however, a day to have sex with cake.

erotic cakes

I consider myself a fine art connoisseur, and if you can take what Philsbury makes and turn it into Angelina Jolie's nipples, you may as well call yourself the Picasso of baking. But what I want to know is, who thought of making sexually appealing cakes and why, after expressing their desire to make said cakes, people not only left them access to cakes, but actively purchased them themselves? I guess what I'm trying to say is you shouldn't trust someone who bakes naked lady cakes to not wang-chung them from time to time.

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