Ten Christmas Presents (Worse Than a Kick in the Stockings)

  • December 25, 2010
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If someone’s religious enough to prefer a Christian toy, won’t they abhor graven images?

It’s not that there’s anything wrong with having faith in any religion. The problem is that you can usually switch the word “Christian” for “crappy” in the product description and be just as correct. Crappy books, crappy dolls, crappy CD’s, crappy movies. There simply aren’t many religious toys or gifts that you can get excited about. Until they start making David’s Choice Slingshots or a video based on Ezekiel 23, just get the kid a Nerf football or something.


Redundant Presents


I don’t have a collection, I just have a crazy aunt!

Whether you get three stationary sets under the same tree or the same “How To Draw Cartoon Characters” book every year, redundant gifts are painful to unwrap. We’re not talking about candy or pairs of socks, but things you really only need one of. It feels crappy to get another pink iPod case and even worse to get another travel mug or similarly functional item and worse still to get another copy of a game or movie you already own. Nobody wins but the pawn shop guys.


Blatantly Used Items


Just what little Billy wanted... disappointment.

Used presents suck. Nobody likes a second hand toaster or a board game with missing pieces. But even if the gift has some worth (not bloody likely) and isn’t totally worn out and broken (also unlikely), it’s still insulting for two reasons. First is the lack of love, thought or care the giver puts in by giving you something they’d otherwise throw away. Second, and most importantly, they obviously think you’re stupid and won’t notice.

There is an exception, and that’s when somebody older than you gives you a prized possession. Not only have old people had a lifetime to accumulate awesome stuff, meaning these gifts are usually pretty sweet, they usually have put some thought into it. It might even be one of those “I want to be alive to see them appreciate it”-type, “emotional value” situations. If that’s the case, you high five your grandpa and take his old elephant gun out back for some Yuletide target practice.


Randomly Selected Perfume or Cologne


It might ruin the point of this entry but Star Trek cologne is actually kind of awesome.

Typically this is a go to for individuals who are obligated to exchange gifts, but either don’t know or don’t like one another. The sheer prevalence of this as a gift is interesting. On one hand, the fact that this is a bad gift idea seems obvious. A person’s scent is an extremely personal thing, and we closely associate smell and memory to the point that one’s fragrance can be their signature. To attempt to enforce your choice on someone else seems like a fool’s errand. So why does your aunt Mavis keep buying it for you? We have a theory.

While these smelly bastards are a terrible gift for the recipient, they are excellent from a gift giver’s standpoint. They are widely available in any generic department store, they are never sold out and they frequently will look expensive despite costing under thirty dollars. Few things say: “good luck bitching about this behind my back!” like this gift.


An Awesome Present for a Different Age Group


This would be so thoughtful if I wasn’t 34 years old.

An all too familiar pain for many adolescents. Tearing into the crisp wrapping paper on Christmas morning and discovering this season’s hottest toy... for kids 5-8. This is most common with kids as they enter their teens. Relatives and even parents either don’t recognize their new maturity or simply refuse to, and gifts that would have been acceptable or even cherished in years past now yield crushing disappointment. It’s obvious that a deal of time and effort was put in to selecting and acquiring the gift, but nobody will enjoy it.

Similarly, receiving gifts intended for people in an older age group can be depressing. A handsome wrist watch given to child is nearly useless, while anything awesome (BB guns, R-rated movies, alcohol) will undoubtedly be confiscated by their parents. In fact, we still have yet to get our VHS copies of Terminator 2.

Written by Kevin Mack – Copyrighted © www.weirdworm.com Image Sources

Image sources:

  • - Christmas Stuff: http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51RhZb7X9AL._SL500_SX300_SY390_CR,0,0,300,390_.jpg
  • - A Goddamn Sweater: http://www.uglychristmassweaters.info/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/n73402902_34734790_21802.jpg
  • - Lottery Tickets: http://freestuffhq.net/wp-content/uploads/2010/09/ticket1.gif
  • - Calendars: http://www.impr.net/country-calendar.jpg
  • - Gag Gifts: http://www.homemade-gifts-made-easy.com/images/homemade-christmas-gag-gifts-poops.jpg
  • - Religion: http://www.catholicsupply.com/christmas/10341.jpg
  • - Redundant Presents: http://www.evinka.com/images/porcelain-dolls-collage.jpg
  • - Blatantly Used Items: http://farm1.static.flickr.com/155/348620514_2b5e3b499a.jpg
  • - Randomly Selected Perfume or Cologne: http://www.geeky-gadgets.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/08/Star-Trek-Cologne.jpg
  • - An Awesome Present for a Different Age Group: http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_XUAsHcAxLHU/TKS46r1bn-I/AAAAAAAAFRw/VwyFAh02lVY/s400/furby.jpg