Subscribe to our newsletter
You may recall our tirade on the subject of sins against Halloween. It has come to our attention that while we were able to enrage some readers by bashing their candy of choice, our ungrateful list of unwelcome treats didn’t manage to alienate our entire audience.
We can assure you that this is an oversight. So the writers at the fictional Weirdworm office have dredged their childhood memories to share their most bitter holiday disappointments. You might want to print this article out and keep it in your wallet for next year. Your friends and relatives will thank you for it.
Oh and let’s make something clear. We may be cynical souls calloused and bitter from lifetimes of suffering, but even we know that you don’t get to complain about gifts from kids under age four and old people over 80. Basically, if they could be in diapers, you just take what you get with a smile and a polite “thank you”.
It seems like a logical gift. Something festive for a festive time right?
Unfortunately, there is simply no disguising the fact that if you open Christmas merchandise on Christmas morning, there is literally no point where that item will be less useful. You won’t need it again until the Yuletide season rolls around again, at which time you’ll have probably lost your Rudolph dish towel or “It’s a Wonderful Life” ornament.
A Goddamn Sweater
Putting aside the above mentioned Christmas themed apparel, a sweater is not a super choice for a gift. Honestly, gifted clothing is a minefield of possible disappointment and bruised feelings. Whether you end up buying last year’s fashion, horribly misjudging someone’s choice of style or getting a garment that is too big or, worse still, too small, wrapping that flimsy cardboard box almost guarantees the thank-you card you receive will be tinged with sarcasm.
Sweaters are simply one of the most popular choices because they have the most leeway in terms of size, but consider the following: people have needed sweaters for months. In many places, you already have snow by Christmas and autumn is a chilly time of the year. If someone needed a new sweater, they would purchase it immediately so they wouldn’t freeze to death, instead of waiting till late December on the off chance that someone would give them one. At least nobody demands you try on socks and underwear right away.
Any rational person can tell you that your odds of winning the lottery are extremely low. And yet it’s acceptable to give people a couple of tickets that are almost certainly worthless and call it a gift. On the off chance you win anything, the odds are you’ll never recoup the cost of the tickets and will probably burn more in gas going to cash it than you will make from doing so. Also, putting them in one of those “money holder” envelopes is bordering on cruel and unusual.
You know that pretty much every phone and computer has some kind of calendar software right? Thanks for killing a tree.
Despite what our critics say, we do appreciate a joke around here. Our beef isn’t with gag gifts as such, but giving them for Christmas is stupid. Comedians will tell you the most important thing is timing. When is it the right time to poke fun at somebody? Birthdays, retirements... basically when they’re the man of the hour and can use a little good natured ribbing about their age or intelligence or sexual competency. When you try to do it during a family friendly event like Christmas, you end up with watered down pseudo-humor like the above example.
Think about it: if you give someone a jar of “elf poop” and they give you a first edition of your favorite book that they spent six months hunting down, the only acceptable resolution involves you being bludgeoned to death.
20 Bizarre Flavors of Food You’ll Find Around the World
People all over the world have different tastes in all sorts of things. Music, movies, television, politics, and so forth. And in some cases, it’s their actual tastes that vary...
20 of the Most Terrifying Things Kids Have Ever Said
Kids say the darndest things, as the old saying goes. They also say some of the most horrifying things, as well. Most of the time it’s just because they don’t know any better...
20 Creepiest Abandoned Hospitals From Around the World
Hospitals can be scary places. They’re sterile and often impersonal, and oh yeah, there are often people dying all around you. And let’s not even get into the fact that...
7 Weird Ways People Try to Get Drunk
People like their booze, and have for centuries upon centuries. It’s not a secret that basically as long as there have been human beings roaming the Earth, there have been human...
8 Ways Science Says Sex Is the Best Medicine
With a few odd exceptions, people love sex. Sex sells, people enjoy watching it, and more importantly, people enjoy having it. That’s because sex makes you feel good, and it...
10 Absolutely Baffling Celebrity Cameos in Music Videos
Believe it or not, music videos are actually things that still exist, despite the fact that channels like MTV would have you believe otherwise. Celebrities popping up in a music...
7 TV and Movie Side Characters That Deserve Their Own Spinoffs
One of the hardest things about writing fiction is coming up with interesting, fully developed side characters. After all, you can’t spend too much time on them because you...
8 Incredible Facts About Game of Thrones
Game of Thrones is an absolute juggernaut. There’s no denying it. Along with Walking Dead, you’d be hard pressed to find a television show that gets more online chatter that...
7 Books That Should Would Make Great TV Shows
With the return of the immensely successful and wildly popular Game of Thrones, it’s only natural to look at the bookshelf and imagine what books may have a chance to rival the...