Subscribe to our newsletter
Ever since Gary Gygax realized that pretending to be a wizard stabbing a troll was a lot more socially acceptable than playing wargames where you pretend to be the Axis power, role-playing has been a thriving and vital subculture of weirdos, nerds, and lonely people. But some of those are decidedly more lonely than others, as these games show us.
“It is the goal of Fatal Games to astound and thrill those who seek a role-playing game based on historical and mythological accuracy, realism, and detail." - F.A.T.A.L.
What that means is...rape, rape, rape, violence, and rape with a side of sexual assault. When replying to the review of this game raking them over the coals, the creator responded to accusations of date rape in the game asking where the reviewers saw anything in the game about dating (REVIEW). But that, dear readers, is only the tip of this iceberg of psychological terror.
F.A.T.A.L. is the RPG for nerds that nerds beat up, the kind of guy who really DOES weigh three hundred pounds, wear nothing but sweatpants, and has a thick, bushy-yet-scraggly neckbeard. Other nerds look at guys like that, shudder, and think “At least I moved out of Mom’s”. So while those nerds are playing D&D, these guys? They’re playing F.A.T.A.L.
F.A.T.A.L. gets right to it when you’re rolling up your character. We could bore you by telling you that the game is ridiculously detailed with the stats, but we’ll kill two birds with one stone and list off a stat that really get the point across. You’re going to roll up, among other things, your anal circumference, depth, and just how much your a*$ can stretch. Why? Because there’s probably going to be a five-foot penis up in there, and they want you to figure out exactly how much damage you’re getting from a bunch of orcs pulling a train on you.
Yep, rape isn’t just the reason this game exists: it’s a combat mechanic! You can even summon gay ogres to rape your opponents, which would have vastly improved Final Fantasy.
And did we mention there are complicated equations for all of this, with tables you’ll have to consult? To have sex in this game, you’d better have high school algebra fresh in your memory: it involves quadratic equations.
There is, believe it or not, 900 pages of this, which reads more like an algebra textbook and the most terrifying fan fiction you can find than a role-playing game. Needless to say, being a bunch of basement-dwelling losers, the writers of this game also salt in plenty of racism and other idiocy. For example, there’s the Armor of Jewy Jewness (yes, seriously), which increases your nose size and reduces your penis size. Classy!
Unfortunately for F.A.T.A.L.’s authors, nothing on the Internet goes away: you can find the full 900-page game plus their hilarious attempts to sell it as something other than a desperate nerd’s bleat for revenge on the Wayback Machine
deadEarth was an attempt to simulate what it would actually be like to survive a nuclear apocalypse and gain superpowers. Of course, these superpowers tended to be of the ridiculous variety. Like, say, it burns when you pee, dying when you come into contact with water, or not knowing what sharp things are.
Beyond that and some production problems, it was actually a fairly decent RPG. But we wonder what the hell they were thinking with those superpowers. Did somebody lose a bet? Were these rules imported from a game where you played a crack squad of Down's syndrome sufferers? What was the deal?
Let's say you want to make an RPG based on a popular series of novels. That's a good marketing plan. But do you pick a series of novels carefully, or do you throw a dart and wind up with the one about hermaphroditic aliens that evolved from humanity after the apocalypse? That have penis flowers?
They not only did exactly that, they expected you to play one of these androgynous penis-flower monsters. And they thought this was innovative because clearly they'd never seen, heard of, or understood what “hentai” was.
Needless to say, this is off the market, but we're surprised those penis flowers aren't available online.
16 Small but Terrifying Creatures
Here are some small, yet horrifying little monsters prowling around out in Mother Nature’s backyard. Mother Nature is a deadly, terrifying force that we should all be deathly...
17 of the Most Horrifying Torture Devices Ever Conceived
Torture isn’t particularly fun to think about, so we can only imagine how horrific it must be to actually have it done to you. Fortunately we as a society have pretty much done...
18 Bizarre Phobias People Actually Have
It’s natural to be scared of things. After all, it’d be a little ludicrous to never get frightened, whether your fears revolve around sharks, snakes, spiders, death, or, most...
18 of the Most Absurdly Expensive Toys in the World
Everyone loves toys. It’s okay, you can admit it, whenever you find yourself in a department store you at least wander past the toy section and sneak a look at the latest action...
20 Awesome Facts About Star Wars
People are getting excited about the new Star Wars movie that’s due to come out next year, and rightfully so. Even with the missteps that were the prequels, it remains one of the...
20 Infamous Sex Scandals of Modern History
Everyone loves a good old fashioned scandal. Add in a little bit of sex just to spice things up, and it’s ratings heaven for journalists, and can also help boost the public...
20 of the Creepiest Places on Earth
Places can be creepy for a lot of reasons, whether it’s a terrifying history, ominous architecture, or the eerie sense of unease that comes from simply having been abandoned. Yet...
20 Weird Things You Can Major in at College
College is an interesting time in a person’s life. It’s where a lot of people really discover themselves, and prepare for the future while trying to pin down exactly what they...
20 Strange Architectural and Construction Gaffes
Architecture is a difficult profession, and we don’t think for a second we’d be able to just jump right in and do it ourselves. It requires skill, precision, and a whole lot...