Real Life Superheroes Would Probably Be Jerks

  • March 29, 2014
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Everyone who has ever read a comic book, watched a superhero movie, or hell, even had a childhood fantasy has considered what it would be like to have superpowers. Everyone thinks it would be the absolutely coolest thing to be able to fly around the world, fighting crime and being a hero. But you know what? We’re pretty certain that, while there would obviously be some exceptions with people who are truly heroic, most of us would simply abuse the crap out of any superpowers. Because at the end of the day, we’re all kind of selfish jerks who crave ease and convenience. And what better way to get those two things than through superpowers?


We Would Even Lazier

This one should be pretty obvious, really, since modern technology is already well on its way to turning us into lazy quasi-vegetables with an overreliance on having access to anything and everything at the touch of a button. Honestly, just dig out your smart phone and look at the insane ways it can help you accomplish most of your daily routine without ever getting off the toilet. You can order food, pay bills, and even with some apps turn lights and other appliances on and off. So naturally, if someone had, say, telekinesis it would multiply this by about a hundred. We don’t want to get off our asses and do anything, and with a power like telekinesis which are you more likely to do: stop a bank robber, or float another beer to you way over on the couch with the powers of your mind?


We Would Use Them for Personal Gain

Let’s say even if you did have superpowers, you wanted to use them to make the world a better place. Well, you may have noticed in comic books that even superheroes – at least, the ones not named Bruce Wayne, Oliver Queen, and Tony Stark, for the most part – have to hold down day jobs. Vigilante justice doesn’t exactly pay very well, and there sure as hell isn’t any health or dental involved. So while you might be ready, willing, and able to use your powers of teleportation or super strength to save a group of hostages, you might decide that, you know what? You’re owed a little something for it, so you’ll just zap yourself into a bank vault and pocket some cold hard cash for your efforts. Why bust your hump at a crappy job when you could just be fighting crime all day, anyway?


We Would All Become Perverts

Let’s say you are granted X-Ray vision or invisibility. Right now, think about what the first things you would do include. If you’re a red-blooded male, chances are your mind at least flickered on the notion of sneaking into a women’s locker room and or being able to check out your hot co-worker in her underwear by simply looking through her clothes. Deny it all you want, but the idea would at least cross your mind at some point. And can you imagine some lecherous jerks suddenly being granted the power of telepathy? We aren’t saying everyone would succumb to the overwhelming temptation and become a groping scumbag, but the fact that the temptation is even there in the first place might be a little too much for some people to overcome.