Four Least-Likely Saviors in History

  • April 02, 2010
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3.

Mitsuo Matayoshi (1944 - )

The Man:

If there was ever a point where politics and religion didn't play hand in hand, it must have lasted no more than fifteen minutes. If Jesus cared so much about abortion and government spending, why doesn't he just run for office himself.

Oh wait. He did.

Mitsuo Matayoshi managed to spend fifty years of his life without cracking like an egg. After graduating from Chuo University he ran a private juku school while pursuing a his own religious studies. Having been previously trained as a Protestant preacher, Mitsuo had just enough of a religious background to completely botch it.

mitsuo matayoshi

The Problem:

In 1997, Mitsuo threw his hat into the political ring. Changing his name to Jesus Matayoshi, he formed the World Economic Community Party. For those of you who aren't well versed in the world of foreign politics, the WECP runs on a few fine points, specifically that he is both God and Jesus and that his opponents should all simply kill themselves. Why? Because fuck them, that's why.

If ever elected, Mitsuo promises to perform the Last Judgement, casting the wicked (including all his opponents and all who didn't vote for him – go figure) into Hell and reforming the government. Once he's purified the world, he expects to be appointed the nation's Prime Minister and the General Secretary of the United Nations. Now having taken the appropriate steps to become a super-villain or dark sorcerer, Mitsuo would become the single ruling force of world politics and religion.

Somehow, advocating the wrath of God has yet to win any elections. Despite running in nine different elections for various positions, Mitsuo still hasn't landed enough votes to ascend to his proper place in Heaven. Still, a man can dream, regardless of how terrible insane that dream is.

4.

Cyrus Teed (1839 – 1908)

The Man:

During his life, Teed was a respected physician and scientist. However, he also lived during a time when anyone with a theory and no day job could claim to be a scientist. Teed's science of choice was alchemy, or the art of transforming materials into gold. Fondly remembered mostly as bullshit wizardry, Teed pursued his science with liberal amounts of electricity. Basic safety precautions were a field of study beyond Teed's interests and so he shocked himself unconscious.

Has anyone ever made a grand, startling revelation while unconscious that wasn't completely off-base and looney? Probably not. Still, Teed had a go at it. While lingering between being alive and being a thoroughly jolted corpse, he believed that a spirit told him he was the messiah. Never once questioning why no one told him something this vital while was awake, Teed vowed to use his vast scientific knowledge to save humanity. He's sort of like a good version of Doctor Octopus that way.

cyrus teed

“Above: Not Teed.”

The Problem:

Teed was crazy, and although he lived in a time when people believed Moxie could cure paralysis, they weren't entirely stupid. When Teed tried to tell people that the Earth was hollow and we were all living inside of it, that the sun was actually a battery and gravity didn't exist, the response was a collective “You're retarded.” He managed to net a small following around his native New York. He changed his name to Koresh, called his teachings Koreshanity (because he hadn't repelled enough people at this point) and set out to establish as many churches as he could, preaching his hollow Earth theory, celibacy and the awesome power of alchemy. The churches remained pretty small until Teed himself set out to found his New Jerusalem which, naturally, was in the holy land of Florida.

Their town Estero was actually pretty successful. With over 200 members, the group managed to build extensively, bringing new universities and even a power plant to the area. Somewhere along the line, Teed must have had another vision. Something possessed him to get into a fight with the men at local Fort Meyers. The will of an ancient lightning wizard can only carry you so far, however, and the fight came to a prompt end when Teed was faced with the unique form of justice known as pistol whipping. His injuries were severe enough to travel two years into the future and end his life. While lying on his death bed, a spirit visited him to reveal that he was totally boned.

One of the key aspects of Koreshanity, however, so rather than go about their lives never speaking of it again, Teed's followers propped his body in a bathtub waiting for his dramatic return. Sadly, his rebirth was not to be; local police officers forced the remains to be buried.

Written by NN – Copyrighted © www.weirdworm.com

Image Sources

Image sources:

  • - John Thom (1799 – 1838): http://religiousfreaks.com/UserFiles/Image/jesus.with.gun.jpg
  • - Hong Xiuquan (1814 – 1861): http://www.indiana.edu/~e232/Zeng.jpg
  • - Mitsuo Matayoshi (1944 - ): http://img.youtube.com/vi/-WAEnsh6-Vw/0.jpg
  • - Cyrus Teed (1839 – 1908): http://i61.photobucket.com/albums/h69/mutanttaliesin/DoctorOctopus.jpg
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