OK, you know something? We like frogs, but we don't like scorpions. Scorpions freak us right the hell out. They're ugly, they're venomous, they're hostile, they're way too quick with that tail, about the only redeeming thing about scorpions is they eat the equally poisonous but slightly less freaky spiders. Then again, the spiders aren't trying to invade our food.
Just ask Jeff Tallman, who went with a student to pick up some Egg McMuffins and found it included a free, living, and very cheesed arachnid. Even better, it was a baby scorpion, which are not only unlike most baby animals in that they are not remotely adorable at all, but also just that much more venomous.
Tallman stapled the scorpion inside the bag and, obviously, went back to McDonald's to get a refund. To their credit, they did refund him. Then we hope they stomped that bag into mush in the parking lot. Maybe they should have done that first, because who knows if the scorpion had figured out a way to escape? It could be watching Tallman right now. Mr. Tallman, if you're reading, for your own personal safety, keep a can of Raid on you at all times. We fear you may be the first target of the scorpion uprising.
You know, we get how hair and organs and semi-cute amphibians and not-at-all-cute horrible poisonous monstrosities get into food. The food chain we've built has a lot of links, so there's a lot of room for something disgusting to slip through, or fall in, or otherwise wind up on your plate. But this final one is just utterly baffling.
It's pretty simple; if you're pouring cereal into a bowl, the last thing you're expecting to see is a huge splinter of wood. But that's exactly what one fellow found in his cereal. Or, more specifically, his daughter, who learned a good lesson we usually learn in college: granola is evil and to be feared.
How'd the wood get there? Nobody knows. Probably just as baffling as the surprise addition of some kinda-disgusting fiber is the response from Quaker, which basically boiled down to: here's some coupons, we're dealing with this, please don't tell the press, kthxbye!
How did the splinter get there? At what point does wood come into the granola-making process? How did Quaker deal with this surprise addition of extra fiber? Why did nobody on the Quaker process line notice a big freaking splinter sticking up out of the product?
These things will forever remain a mystery. Or maybe not. We'll bet anything it was those horrible scorpions!
- - Frogs: http://www.scientificillustrator.com/art/amphibian/leopard-frog.jpg
- - Pubes: http://i.somethingawful.com/u/salmonseason/pube/k.jpg
- - Organs, Country Fried!: http://consumerist.com/images/resources/2007/07/kfcbrainage.jpg
- - Scorpions: http://www.caver.net/images/scorpion.jpg
- - Wood: http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_0NDgsoqJRJs/SlUItqda1SI/AAAAAAAAAsM/fjwMq5EX71Q/s400/chewing.bmp