Five Niche Beauty Pageants (That Make Standard Pageants Look Less Crazy)

  • May 21, 2010
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4.

Armpit Queen

Writer Gene Weingarten once dubbed Battle Mountain, Nevada the “the armpit of America,” earning it one of the least coveted distinctions in the country. According to Weingarten, Battle Mountain earned the title through its overall lack of anything interesting or distinctive. Chances are he was joking, but that didn’t stop the town’s people from taking that joke way, way too far.

The Armpit Queen competition is just one of many events that once occurred at the three day armpit festival. Other points of interest include a sweaty t-shirt contest and deodorant toss. The beauty pageant portion of the show focuses on the armpits of the contestants, not only in beauty but also in various talents. If that sounds a little disgusting, congratulations! You have decent hygiene.

armpit queen

There ya’ go. Nobody is happy about this picture.

Though once seen as a cute response to a remark no one would remember, the Armpit Queen competition and the festival surrounding it were eventually dropped by the town once they realized it made them look a little odd compared to other cities. Then again, most other cities don’t have a sponsorship from Old Spice, either.

5.

Miss Prison

Continuing with the idea that beauty can be found everywhere, a television producer organized the world’s first prison beauty contest in Lithuania. After all, just because you’re being punished by society for violating the law, surviving off of old bread and water and living in constant fear of being shived doesn’t mean you can’t find the time to feel pretty!

miss prison

The essence of beauty.

Held way back in 2002, only eight contestants were selected out of thirty-eight applicants. Women who were serving time for serious offenses like murder or arson were prevented from participating because despite what all of those James Bond movies try to tell you, homicide is rarely erotic enough to warrant special attention. The competition was broadcast on national television and the events included a leather-clad bikini contest complete with knee-high boots. This would have been more fitting had all the women been prostitutes, but you work with what you’ve got (prostitutes, mostly).

The eventual winner was a woman using the alias Samantha. After being crowned the most beautiful women serving a jail sentence she won two-thousand and seven hundred dollars that she can’t actually receive until she’s out of prison (and rightfully so, because honestly, what would she buy in jail?). When reporters asked Samantha what she’d like to do after the victory, she informed them that she’d really like to be out of prison. When the reporters laughed and said “No, really, what’s next?” she promptly wept. Truly a role model for the children.

Meanwhile, television producers have been in talks to bring the prison beauty pageant to an international level. If they have their way, we may very well be watching criminals from all around the world pose half-naked for the chance to wear a tacky plastic tiara. Or worse, a spin-off about men.

Written by NN – Copyrighted © www.weirdworm.com Image Sources

Image sources:

  • - Miss Artificial Beauty: http://scrapetv.com/News/News%20Pages/Entertainment/images-2/mao-zedong.jpg
  • - Miss Sister 2008: http://mayopie.files.wordpress.com/2009/04/20080501_happy-nun3.jpg
  • - Miss Jumbo Queen: http://bilia.files.wordpress.com/2009/06/elephant-21.jpg
  • - Armpit Queen: http://i263.photobucket.com/albums/ii137/the_Units/hairy_woman_armpit_photo.jpg
  • - Miss Prison: http://photos.upi.com/story/t/15004e88a6e7052e91f4493058cb3e05/Dying-ex-Manson-follower-up-for-parole.jpg
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