If there was anything less sexual than the Atari 2600, we're not completely sure what it is. There's a pretty long list of things that are in no way sexual, and we're pretty sure the 2600 is right at the bottom. But that didn't stop people from trying to make it sexy. It was, after all, the late '70s/early '80s (it's kind of hazy what happened when) and one marketing philosophy remained universal: sex sold.
The basic plot of "Gigolo" is you run around pleasuring women while the cops and their husbands try to track you down and beat the ever-loving pixels out of you. If you sneak into a house, you're treated to shifting pixels that vaguely resemble two human beings engaged in a sexual act. Then, in grand Atari 2600 tradition, you do it all over again until your hands get tired.
But, surely, a combination of crude technology and cruder attitudes have dissolved this. Surely, by now, we've got games where you can actually have a healthy and engaging sexual experience.
Ha! You wish! Instead we get "BoneTown".
Normally, we feature fuzzy wuzzy little bulldog puppies when a game is too obscene or something. But this time, we're doing it because the people who developed this game are a bunch of self-righteous d-bags and we don't even want to give you an image.
The game basically plays like a frat-boy's World of Warcraft, after a long night of drinking and not getting any. You run around and get stoned, and all women are just pliable sexual beings that will have sex with you if your globes are round enough. In other words, it's a video game from people who have never taken a class on feminism and think Gloria Steinem was the lead in "Deep Throat".
This doesn't stop the CEO from talking about how all the murder in video games is, like, too heavy, man, and that games should all be peaceful. You know, because killing fake digital people is a crappy, desensitizing thing to do, but making a video game where women all run around in thongs and aren't interested in commitment is a social statement.
Yeah. Right. Good luck with that.
- - BMX XXX: http://www.maniadegames.com/loja/images/bmxxxx.jpg
- - The Later Leisure Suit Larry Franchise: http://www.pwned.com/gamecovers/xbox/69ace141f4a7516e604dd98590912497-Leisure_Suit_Larry__Magna_Cum_Laude.jpg
- - Sex Station 7: http://www.smh.com.au/ffximage/2007/03/23/vanessawoods_wideweb__470x307,0.jpg
- - Gigolo: http://cdn-www.cracked.com/articleimages/ob/seanbaby/header6.jpg
- - BoneTown: http://www.animalsites.net/news/gallery/shar-pei-dog/shar-pei-dog-8.jpg