The Grapefruit Diet
Ah, the classic. This one has been around since the 1930s. And like all fad diets, it'll probably kill you if you stick with it! Yay!
This is less a diet and more of an urban legend. It really got started in the '70s, thanks to the disco era's version of spam: faxing. Yep, people faxed this stuff to each other back and forth, across the country. It was like email before there was email, but more expensive and worse for the environment.
Anyway, the process is pretty consistent in one respect: you either drink grapefruit juice or eat half a grapefruit with every meal, and, of course, cutting down on the food you eat pretty drastically. The claim is that grapefruit has some sort of magical fat-burning enzyme that scientists haven't discovered, unless they happen to be in the employ of grapefruit growers.
Of course, you could just substitute the grapefruit for the fattier parts of your diet and it'd have the same effect, and probably not kill you. After all, vitamin C is water-soluble (singer Vitamin C is not; important distinction), so you won't have to worry about vitamin C poisoning. You'd just get really, really sick of grapefruit and probably not be able to drink Fresca ever again.
Although come to think of it, that's not really a bad thing.
The Monkey Diet
One common scam with diets is to mention that they're "natural", and this makes sense, to a degree. Most fast food is made up only partially of food, and the rest is plastic, chemicals, and other crap. For example, go down the list of Twinkie ingredients, look them up, and you'll discover most of said delicious indestructible snack-cake comes out of a hole in the ground instead of from plants.
Still, this doesn't justify the fact that there are not one, but TWO monkey diets. The first is the most obvious, keeping in the theme of this article: eating nothing but monkeys. Kidding, kidding, of course you don't eat monkeys. You just eat whatever monkeys eat.
Of course, monkeys tend to eat, surprise, a lot of fruits and vegetables, because those are easier to catch than protein sources! And you don't find Twinkies in the wild. So basically, by eating like a monkey, you are instead eating like a sensible human being who doesn't stuff their face with the nutritional equivalent of radioactive waste.
The second diet is a bit more drastic: eating nothing but Monkey Chow.
No, we're not kidding: somebody actually did THIS. Of course, he did it as a joke, but we're terrified that somebody will try this for real.
We've seen "Planet of the Apes", people. This is how it starts. Well, people eating Monkey Chow and Roddy McDowall, but we've never seen a body, so he might still be alive. If Roddy McDowall comes back from the dead, either the apes are coming or the zombies are. Either way, start stockpiling guns.
Been surviving for the last three years on just wood pulp and breath mints? We want to hear about it! Post a comment!
- - The Five Bite Diet: http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/41dfAVSPFBL.jpg
- - The Hot Dog Diet: http://www.weirdthings.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2007/03/worldslongesthotdog.jpg
- - The Warrior Diet: http://bluesnakeblog.files.wordpress.com/2007/12/warrior_diet.jpg
- - The Monkey Diet: http://generationbass.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/11/funny_monkey.jpg