Cruel and Unusual Types of Baby Names

  • May 26, 2010
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  • Lifestyle
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Inanimate Objects

Sure, there are thousands of baby name books and websites around with tens of thousands of potential names to choose for your child. Or you could point to the first person of appropriate gender you see after the birth of your child and name him or her after them. But why do that, when you can just select a randomly chosen inanimate object?

Then you can have a kid named Impala Sedan. Yes, this:

inanimate objects

If he goes through a chubby stage we’re calling him Ass-tro Wagon.

It could be worse. Babies have also been named ‘Alexus’ (combining the classy ‘named after a car’ with the classier ‘deliberately misspelled common name). If you’re looking for a more exotic flavor, the names ‘Kia’ and ‘Camry’ have also popped up here and there.

And if cars are still too classy for you, you can be like the woman who is thinking of naming her kid “Soda”. Other names we found floating around the Internet: Cricket, Rocket, and Chemical.


Inappropriately Foreign

So you’re a boring, lily-white WASP, desperately wanting to add some foreign, exotic culture to your dull life. What better way to do it than to pillage another culture for names for your equally white, WASP baby?

inappropriately foreign

This happy Salt Lake City family is shown with their two children, Kuan-Yin and Akwetee.

If you’re tame, you can go with an exotic Gaelic name, like Aodh, Gaelic for ‘fire’. But let’s face it, that’s just not foreign enough. Why not go for something suggested by the world’s largest baby name site: Chinatsu, Japanese for ‘Thousand Summers’? Or Gandhik, which means ‘fragrance’? That way, you can simultaneously honor cultures you’ve got nothing to do with while simultaneously mangling the pronunciation of their languages.

While not quite as bad as naming your kid “Rylieeghy”, these names will forever brand your kids not only to puzzled looks, but an invisible ‘my parents shop at whole foods’ sign across their foreheads for their whole lives.


Just Making Crap Up

There is at least one site online dedicated to creating a ‘truly unique’ baby name, which is surely a good argument for Internet censorship. Forget bomb-making instructions, this will probably end up doing a lot more damage. Among the suggestions: combining the names of the two parents, such as Daniel and Susan becoming ‘Dansan’. (If the poor child ends up in Japan, we can suppose he’ll be ‘Dansan-san.’) Another suggestion from the page: sprucing up dull names by adding random capital letters: Arlene becomes ArLene. You may as well go the whole way and just name your child in leetspeak.

just making crap up

Little G4m3slav3 H4x0r Jones.

Another of the accursed sites suggests taking a name or surname that you like, and spelling it backwards. The first suggestion is Harpel, which gives the delightful name Leprah. Great idea! So when somebody meets your darling kid and learns their name, the first thing they imagine will be an adjective describing a horrible skin disease.

Written by C. Coville – Copyrighted © Image Sources

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