Cruel and Unusual Types of Baby Names

Posted on May 26, 2010
Views: 44,102

Subscribe to our newsletter

Advertisements

Celebrities are famous for giving their children utterly ridiculous names. But what about the normal Joes who are saddled with monikers that aren’t anything like ‘Joe’? At least the children of famous people can cry about their names while sitting on top of their huge piles of cash and maybe beating their slaves. If you’re just an ordinary guy with parents who were suffering temporary insanity when they named you, you’re in for a much tougher time.

Here are some types of cruel and unusual names that non-celebrities are naming their hapless children:

6.

I’m a Fan

So you like something. You really, really like it. You could consider yourself a fanatic. Is it enough to have posters on your wall, or to spend all your money on merchandise? No. For some people, the only way to truly prove that you’re a true fan of something is to name a kid after it.

In its most harmless form, you see parents naming children after celebrities or fictional characters that have relatively normal names. So, for example, the name ‘Harry’ rose in popularity when the Harry Potter books became popular. But what if you’re a fan of a person with a more unusual name? Or what if you want your kid to be a constant, unmistakable reminder of how much you love your celebrity crush? For example, the name ‘Ben’ is too normal. Why not name him or her Affleck? Then you can be reminded every day of that great movie, Pearl Harbor.

i am fan01

But we’re still in the tame ones. One mother, apparently a horror movie fan, named her kid Vorhees. Yes, after Jason Vorhees, this guy:

i am fan02

The woman who performed this cruel deed was apparently a fan of more than one franchise, though, because poor little Vorhees has siblings called Morpheus, Frodo and Rogue. And branching out from popular culture, another sibling is called Peppermint. Hey, you can be a fan of peppermint, can’t you?

5.

Uniquely Trendy Names

There’s a problem with trying to be unique: everyone’s doing it. In the past couple of decades, many parents have been rebelling against ‘traditional’ names with long histories. So they chose names like ‘Kayleigh’ and ‘Brayden’ that had been obscure up until then, and sometimes almost non-existent. What better way to prove your child’s uniqueness, right?

There was one problem: trendy baby names spread like a virus. Little Madison might have been the only one in her class named that in 1985, but in 2008 Madison was the fourth most popular girls’ name in America. Your unique and precious snowflake is now awash in a sea of Madisons. It would have been more original just to name her Sarah.

uniquely trendy names

Which brings us to another potential problem for these kids is that anyone upon hearing their name is going to immediately recognize two things: one, the year in which they were born, and two, that their mother was most likely a sheep-like follower of fashion. A man named ‘Daniel’ could have been born in 2008 or AD 108. When you hear the name ‘Jayden’, though, you know the kid was probably born after 2001, when the name suddenly shot to stardom.

4.

Deliberate Misspelling

What if you just can’t stomach the idea of your darling little angel not having a unique name, but you’re also too unoriginal to come up with something different? Simply misspell the name!

Here are some real baby names: Jennipher, Jessyka, Destyneigh (because nothing is better for a growing young woman than having the sound a horse makes in her name!), Taelor, Mychal, and Loegan. But there’s many more – any name in the English language can be misspelled for that genuine ‘my mother was seventeen years old and on drugs when she gave me it’ feeling.

deliberate misspelling

This type of cruel and unusual naming introduces a new type of torture to your innocent child. Sure, the kid named ‘Vorhees’ will be getting turned down on job applications and accosted by his girlfriends’ fathers his whole life, but at least the average person will know how to spell it. Poor Jasyn, on the other hand, faces a long perdition of spelling out his name, again and again, forever. “No, Jasyn with a ‘y’. Yes, I know it’s meant to be an ‘o’. Yeah, my mother was a drunk. My middle name? Okay, it’s a long one…”

Advertisements
Random
Page 1 of 4
Loading...

Latest Articles

17 of the Most Horrifying Torture Devices Ever Conceived

17 of the Most Horrifying Torture Devices Ever Conceived

Torture isn’t particularly fun to think about, so we can only imagine how horrific it must be to actually have it done to you. Fortunately we as a society have pretty much done...

18 Bizarre Phobias People Actually Have

18 Bizarre Phobias People Actually Have

It’s natural to be scared of things. After all, it’d be a little ludicrous to never get frightened, whether your fears revolve around sharks, snakes, spiders, death, or, most...

18 of the Most Absurdly Expensive Toys in the World

18 of the Most Absurdly Expensive Toys in the World

Everyone loves toys. It’s okay, you can admit it, whenever you find yourself in a department store you at least wander past the toy section and sneak a look at the latest action...

20 Awesome Facts About Star Wars

20 Awesome Facts About Star Wars

People are getting excited about the new Star Wars movie that’s due to come out next year, and rightfully so. Even with the missteps that were the prequels, it remains one of the...

20 Infamous Sex Scandals of Modern History

20 Infamous Sex Scandals of Modern History

Everyone loves a good old fashioned scandal. Add in a little bit of sex just to spice things up, and it’s ratings heaven for journalists, and can also help boost the public...

20 of the Creepiest Places on Earth

20 of the Creepiest Places on Earth

Places can be creepy for a lot of reasons, whether it’s a terrifying history, ominous architecture, or the eerie sense of unease that comes from simply having been abandoned. Yet...

20 Weird Things You Can Major in at College

20 Weird Things You Can Major in at College

College is an interesting time in a person’s life. It’s where a lot of people really discover themselves, and prepare for the future while trying to pin down exactly what they...

20 Strange Architectural and Construction Gaffes

20 Strange Architectural and Construction Gaffes

Architecture is a difficult profession, and we don’t think for a second we’d be able to just jump right in and do it ourselves. It requires skill, precision, and a whole lot...

20 Bizarre Flavors of Food You’ll Find Around the World

20 Bizarre Flavors of Food You’ll Find Around the World

People all over the world have different tastes in all sorts of things. Music, movies, television, politics, and so forth. And in some cases, it’s their actual tastes that vary...

20 of the Most Terrifying Things Kids Have Ever Said

20 of the Most Terrifying Things Kids Have Ever Said

Kids say the darndest things, as the old saying goes. They also say some of the most horrifying things, as well. Most of the time it’s just because they don’t know any better...