5 Completely Objective Reasons Why Weird Worm Is Awesome and You Should Be Reading It, Brought To You by Weird Worm
We here at Weird Worm believe in 3 things: modesty, Santa Clause, and the fact that our website is the greatest thing in the history of stuff since the invention of cocaine-infused sliced bread. Every day our stuff congregates around the solid ivory table and thinks up new and exciting ways to serve You, our reader, the most important person in our lives. That is why, just because you are all so damn special to us, we have compiled a list of the Top 5 reasons for why you should continue loving Weird Worm and spread our message of comedy all across the land.
Weird Worm Has Weird Topics
The internet is a vast ocean of weirdness but you are a busy person. You can’t spend all your time collecting the individual oddities of the interwebs and that is where we come in. Our goal is to keep you up to speed with everything strange, bizarre and at least a little bit interesting, by writing about it in one easily accessible place… that is, on Weird Worm (i.e. here).
For example, maybe you have heard about the Scottish marriage tradition of “blackening the bride” where a bride is covered with stinky sauces, tar and stuff like that before the wedding, in some sort of hazing slash bullying ritual. Not only can we tell you more about it and make a frightening amount of juvenile penis-related jokes in the process, we will throw in 4 other insane marriage rituals from every corner in the world, for no additional fee! And seeing as our services are free to begin with, you really are getting a great deal by reading our site.
Not weird enough for you? We can top it. We have a piece about the weirdest examples of underwear in the world! Yeah, turns out that beyond Speedos and thongs for 10 year olds there is a whole bunch of weird undergarments that designers want to put over your genitals. There is the Man Pushup Underwear that does to your junk what a pushup bra does to breasts. There even exists underwear made from recycled soda cans. Don’t believe us? We actually offer links to sources, so suck on that Mr. Doubty.
Finally, to really sell you on our raging enthusiasms for anything strange, we will top the evening off with 10 weird facts about beer and weep together with you as we talk about the legal drinking age in India, which, believe it or not, is 25. Actually that is what best sums up Weird Worm – “believe it or not”. We’re basically like Ripley’s collection of the mysterious-curious… only we don’t make things up.
We Have Our Own Podcast
Reading is SOOO January 2010. Someone should invent a process where people write words (with an interesting/funny twist to them) which are then read and recorded for the convenience of people who are not boring enough to stare all day at books or websites. Oh wait… they already did. And now you too can take advantage of our audio-article podcast service, available at Weird Worm for the low low of price of zero dollars and zero cents.
Unlike all the other places that might offer you the same type of deal, WE don’t just go into the street and get some random homeless guy to read our articles for booze money. Hell no, we go out and get professional Word Readers with pleasing, silky voices that will literarily butter up your ear canals. The level of professionalism in their work also assures all of our podcasts are relatively cursing-free, meaning the whole family can enjoy them. So from now on you don’t have to lock grandma in the basement when the family gathers around the computer to listen to, say, our 10 Facts About Capital Punishment And Murder.
But Weird Worm can offer you so much more than depressing, yet very informative, tales about death. With our podcast service you are now able to take a drive while tuned in to our piece about Weird Hotels, or even listen in to 6 tales of really bizarre last wills while you exercise away at the gym. With Weird Worm you can get your daily fix of the worldly strange without actually reading anything and having people confuse you for a nerd or something.
Two Point Five Million Visitors a Month Can’t All Be Wrong
Forget everything your mother told you – it doesn’t pay to be an individual. The majority usually happens to be right, especially if what they are doing is coming to our site and boosting our traffic. For some time now, a number of people who could be sort of mistaken for a “majority” if you are desperate like us, have been making their way every day to Weird Worm to sample our oddities of the bizarre, and you would better join them. You don’t want to be left out of the loop don’t you? Teased and laughed at because you have no idea what’s in at the moment? We are in at the moment. 2.5 million visitors a month can’t all be escaped mental asylum lunatics.
Because you don’t have to be crazy to be interested in… Game shows perhaps? Everybody loves those, so being the responsible online journalists that we are, we put together a list of the 8 weirdest game shows in the world.
And it certainly doesn’t take a mentally unstable loon to enjoy our piece on the 10 Weirdest Conspiracy Theories ever, which the government tried to take down numerous times from our website, but we’re still fighting dammit! Btw, the secret meeting of our anti-lizard people coalition is still scheduled tomorrow under the overpass.
We Have Actual Experienced Writers
When we first started out in this business, people have been telling us how hard it will be to provide quality daily content to the site with our unorthodox approach of not employing discount Asian slave children to write it for us. It’s a little known fact but nowadays roughly 90% of internet content is outsourced to Asian writing sweatshops, with their cheaper prices and lack of respect for the worker… we even heard tales that when one of those slave kids gets carpal tunnel, they just fire and replace him with another one. It’s a sad world out there.
But Weird Worm is not contributing to the sorrow. Our content is 100% domestic, professional and union-approved with all the necessary paperwork. We have professional writers from the farthest corners of the blogo-net-sphere basically ramming down our doors demanding money for the stuff they come up with. And we accept their offers gladly, with tears in our eyes knowing that we are contributing to the spread of free non-slave trade in the world of internet comedy.
Our writers supply us with stability and quality content, which works above all else in the interest of You, the readers, and your consciences. If you laugh at comedy articles that come from non-union Asian slaves you are contributing to the decline of civilization as we know it – but a laugh at Weird Worm is a laugh at professionalism and freedom.
Weird Worm Has No Boundaries
Our most commented article is “10 Bizarre Torture Methods”. Hope to see you on the site every day from now on.