9 Disappointing 90's Movies...for 90's Teens

  • September 05, 2010
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4.

Jason Goes To Hell: The Final Friday

jason

The Film:

Jason Goes To Hell was one of many Friday the 13th sequels featuring the relentless killing machine Jason Vorhees. This supposed “final” entry was released in 1993 and was the ninth film in the series. Clearly the movie studio was either embarrassed to continue numbering the films or thought people just wouldn’t take the movies seriously anymore.

jason01

Where would they ever get that impression?

The Good

- The one thing horny male teens could rely on from a Friday the 13th slasher flick was some T&A. This film at least delivered on that front. There was also a decent cameo of Freddy's iconic glove at the end of the film.

The Bad

- In a hilarious attempt to simply retcon the events of the previous film (as well as a definitive demise of Jason), the filmmakers blatantly ignored all continuity. They reset the timeline so that Jason was simply stalking around Camp Crystal lake alive and well again… just so they could ultimately kill him all over again.

The Ugly

– In the film we learned that Jason was actually nothing more than a demonic slug that possessed people. That was the tacked-on, supernatural origin which took multiple films and many severed limbs for viewers to find out. To think, before that most people just thought Jason was unstoppable because Hollywood made money repeating the same story over and over again.

jason02

It’s comforting to know that there was a method to the madness all along.

3.

Aliens3

aliens

The Film:

This highly anticipated Aliens sequel was released in 1992. It’s well known for its difficult production, various rewrites and revolving directors who were on and off the project. It starred Sigourney Weaver once again as the heroine at odds with a deadly alien species. Yadda, yadda, yadda…

aliens01

Unfortunately Aliens don’t believe in breath mints.

The Good

- The movie marked the debut of David Fincher, who thankfully went on to direct much better films such as Fight Club, Se7en and Zodiac.

The Bad

- (spoiler alert) Everything established and skillfully set up in James Cameron's Aliens was strangely tossed out the window. Most notably, two of the surviving lead characters were killed off before the movie even began. We were subsequently treated to a claustrophobic and depressing one alien film yet again.

The Ugly

- This film stood out as a major missed opportunity. Had James Cameron returned, this version clearly would not exist. However, even without Cameron at the helm, surely a worthy follow-up was possible. The movie played like a bad dream which many fans wished never happened.

2.

Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace

star

The Film:

Star Wars Episode I was released in 1999 to an audience whose expectations were as high as an Amy Winehouse and Snoop Dogg lovechild. The film started the prequel trilogy and was once again written and directed by George Lucas. It was also Lucas' first film as a director in 22 years, so it’s safe to say he was rusty. It showed.

star01

Let’s put the burden pleasing the legions of fans for one of the most beloved movie series of all time on a crappy little kid. Smart!

The Good

- We have this film to thank for the phrase "raped my childhood" which, in itself, is an interesting contribution to internet subculture.

The Bad

– There was far too much that went wrong with this long awaited movie. Sure, expectations were exceedingly high as previously mentioned but at the end of the day all anyone wanted was a solid entertaining film worthy of existing in the Star Wars universe. Instead we got a stiff, poorly paced, disjointed mess. We’re not even going to bring up a certain CG someone.

The Ugly

- Structure... Phantom Menace has none. Strong and interesting protagonists... Phantom Menace has none. Arcs for important characters... Phantom Menace has none...

We could go on all day.

1.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III

The Film

– Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III was released in 1993. It was the third and last entry of the live action Turtle movies. The plot involved the turtles traveling back in time to Feudal Japan and the days of the legendary samurai. There was also a magic scepter, some helpless villagers and the worst puns in the history of cinema.

The Good

- Corey Feldman returned as the voice of Donatello and Elias Koteas returned as the always awesome Casey Jones.

The Bad

- This flick let down many turtle fans who had eagerly awaited a new movie. Back then, there was no internet so kids just blindly hoped that they’d see any of the villains from their beloved cartoons or comics finally make a cinematic appearance. There were literally tons of options: Krang, Leatherhead, Rat King, Baxter Stockman, Traag… even a return of Shredder was welcome. However, instead of choosing anyone close to interesting the writers thought up “the evil Lord Norinaga” and plunked the turtles through a lame time travel concept. The low budget and sh***y costumes only compounded the sheer awfulness of this lean green turd.

The Ugly

– Splinter with a lamp shade on his head was the death of many a childhood.

teenage

This scene alone made it unwise to openly admit to being a turtle fan for the remainder of the decade.

Have some more classic films that damaged your teenage years? Let's hear about it in the comments section! Written by Anthony Quaglia – Copyrighted © www.weirdworm.com Image Sources
Image sources:

  • - Super Mario Bros: http://www.supermariogames.biz/pics/super-mario-bros-movie.jpg http://img84.imageshack.us/img84/9131/sameguy.jpg
  • - Last Action Hero: http://img237.imageshack.us/img237/7392/lah.jpg http://bluraymedia.ign.com/bluray/image/article/106/1061009/last-action-hero-20100113050348637_640w.jpg
  • - Double Dragon: http://www.bucketmovies.com/images/double-dragon-main11.jpg http://img213.imageshack.us/img213/6423/golda.jpg
  • - Batman & Robin : http://s11.allstarpics.net/images/orig/6/j/6jyx5dktm2obd5tj.jpg http://www.impawards.com/1997/posters/postman_ver2.jpg http://www.ramiroburr.com/true/site/images/stories/dark_knight_onesheet-795949.jpg
  • - Spaced Invaders : http://www.war-ofthe-worlds.co.uk/images/spaced_invaders_1_x.jpg http://www.thedirectorfiles.com/assets/photos/downloads/space_invaders.jpg
  • - Jason Goes To Hell: The Final Friday: http://www.impawards.com/1993/posters/jason_goes_to_hell.jpg http://img189.imageshack.us/img189/5484/bwahahahha.jpg http://dvdmedia.ign.com/dvd/image/article/102/1024530/friday-the-13th-part-vii-the-new-blood-deluxe-edition-20090914032300319.jpg
  • - Aliens3 : http://img268.imageshack.us/img268/631/47682208.jpg http://snarkerati.com/movie-news/files/2009/02/sigourney-weaver-alien.jpg
  • - Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace : http://www.starwars.deepthi.com/images/starwars-phantom-menace-poster.jpg http://starcasm.net/wp-content/uploads/2009/07/young_anakin-480x315.jpg
  • - Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III: http://img811.imageshack.us/img811/4236/fnoq.jpg
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