Gwyneth Paltrow Does a Music Movie, Believes She’s a Music Star
A few years back, Gwyneth Paltrow made a movie called Country Strong, in which she plays a country music singer. Apparently Gwyneth never got the memo that it wasn’t a documentary, because she apparently convinced herself that she was an actual country star. Amazingly, people kept feeding into this delusion by not only getting in talks with her about recording an album, but casting her in guest appearances on the show Glee, where she continued to terrorize us with her attempts at singing. In perhaps the strongest bit of proof to date that there is a god, her talks to record an album fell through, sparing us yet more audial abuse.
David Hasselhoff – “Jump In My Car”
David Hasselhoff is just funny on so many levels. He’s one of those guys everyone loves to mock but everyone also secretly loves, because he’s big, dumb, goofy, and is so unintentionally entertaining that it’s hard not to like him. Plus, he was on Knight Rider, for god’s sake. That has to count for something. Anyway, it’s not a secret that the Hoff has been trying a music career for quite a while, with his success in Germany leading to the whole “Germans love David Hasselhoff” gag. Perhaps the most hilarious part of his musical career was when he recorded a cover of the song “Jump In My Car” and even made a music video, which was promptly voted as the second worst video ever made.
Kobe Bryant (featuring Tyra Banks) – “K.O.B.E.”
Athletes really shouldn’t try music careers, unless they’re the late, great Wayman Tisdale, who just happened to be one of the best jazz bass guitarists of all-time. Kobe Bryant may be better on the basketball court than Tisdale ever was, but in no way, shape, or form is he even in the same realm in music. That didn’t stop Kobe from recording a rap album featuring the single “K.O.B.E.” The song opens with someone talking to Kobe about how much people love him, and it just gets worse from there. Perhaps worst of all, he drags poor Tyra Banks into the atrocity as she was attempting her own terrible attempt at a music career.
Mr. T – “Treat Your Mother Right”
We can’t really make fun of Mr. T for anything, because come on, he’s Mr. T! We love Mr. T, you love Mr. T, and in fact scientists have confirmed it’s impossible to not love Mr. T. Or at least they would if they wanted to waste time conducting that research. Anyway, in 1984 he released an album called “Mr. T’s Commandments” and one of those commandments, which took the form of a rap song, was Treat Your Mother Right. It’s a noble attempt at teaching kids a valuable lesson, but man, it would have worked so much better if it wasn’t the corniest thing in the history of music. Don’t worry though, T, it didn’t make any of us love you any less. If anything, it’s so bad it almost makes you more endearing.
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