Subscribe to our newsletter
That's right, folks, in Greece, sport = agony. So, by definition, you shouldn't be allowed to call something a sport unless there is the possibility that participants will receive from and/or cause to their opponents large amounts of damage… especially if said sport is allowed into the vaunted ranks of the competition that the ancient Greeks freaking invented (that is, the Olympics).
Is there any pain involved in this "sport"? Well, there have been some reports of musculoskeletal pain. Picking up heavy rocks can lead to problems if you drop heavy rocks, and surely all that sweeping of the ice leads to blisters once in a while.
Why it defies the ancient Greek definition: Tell a football player that the worst injury he could possible receive while playing his sport would be a little soreness after a game. He'll probably implode your head with his mind (followed by his fists). Sweeping the ice with brooms so you can slide a giant rock across it sounds more like that time that your mom tried to prove that doing chores was fun by putting old socks on your feet and soapy water on the floor than something that would be championed by the worshippers of lightning bolt wielding Zeus.
Is there any pain involved in this "sport"? Some people have sprained ankles, or hurt themselves if they're not warmed up enough. And we're sure that if you looked hard enough you could find reports of shuttlecock eye-impalement. But we'd have to seriously question you if you looked that hard.
Why it defies the ancient Greek definition: You can sprain your ankle just walking down the stairs. If you're doing something that's equally as dangerous as living your normal life, the ancient Greeks aren't interested. Heck, their normal lives were more dangerous than crabfishing in a lumberyard. Extra negative bonus points for being invented when someone wanted to play tennis and couldn't find a ball, and so used a small furry animal instead. And although we're sure that you could come up with endless tasteless jokes based on the name of said equipment, that doesn't qualify it to be a sport, either.
Is there any pain involved in this "sport"? Again, minor cuts, sprains, and muscle injuries can occur when one participates in this "sport." We suppose you could add smacking someone with a paddle and drowning to those, which could possibly elevate it in the eyes of the ancient Greeks, but those usually occur under the influence of alcohol and/or rage, and so aren't often seen during the Olympics.
Why it defies the ancient Greek definition: Okay, if there was a serious chance of drowning, we might reconsider our stance. But really, if you fall in the water during a canoeing competition and you can't swim, and no one decides they want to save you, and you're not wearing a life jacket, you obviously suck at life. You're in a boat trying to get somewhere. Not particularly fast, like in sailing, or over particularly rough water, like in white water rafting. Basically, it's just a step up from tubing in the speed and excitement department. No Greek sympathy for you!
Is there any pain involved in this "sport"? Well, sometimes your shoulder can freeze up. And we're sure that the mallets could cause some injury if wielded properly - in fact, we'd like to suggest it if the Olympic committee ever reconsiders their stance on croquet.
Why it defies the ancient Greek definition: First of all, it only got into the Olympics in 1900, and we can't imagine how much money must have changed hands behind the scenes to get that to happen. Then again, that was back when the rich people in power could basically have said "I want to make a sport out of changing hats and have it in the Olympics. Sound good, old chap?" and the Olympic committee would have been like "Jolly good! But only if they're really expensive hats, after all, we don't want just any rabble in our little competition." Greek Olympians might have been rich and powerful and all, but at least they had some badassery to back it up.
20 Bizarre Flavors of Food You’ll Find Around the World
People all over the world have different tastes in all sorts of things. Music, movies, television, politics, and so forth. And in some cases, it’s their actual tastes that vary...
20 of the Most Terrifying Things Kids Have Ever Said
Kids say the darndest things, as the old saying goes. They also say some of the most horrifying things, as well. Most of the time it’s just because they don’t know any better...
20 Creepiest Abandoned Hospitals From Around the World
Hospitals can be scary places. They’re sterile and often impersonal, and oh yeah, there are often people dying all around you. And let’s not even get into the fact that...
7 Weird Ways People Try to Get Drunk
People like their booze, and have for centuries upon centuries. It’s not a secret that basically as long as there have been human beings roaming the Earth, there have been human...
8 Ways Science Says Sex Is the Best Medicine
With a few odd exceptions, people love sex. Sex sells, people enjoy watching it, and more importantly, people enjoy having it. That’s because sex makes you feel good, and it...
10 Absolutely Baffling Celebrity Cameos in Music Videos
Believe it or not, music videos are actually things that still exist, despite the fact that channels like MTV would have you believe otherwise. Celebrities popping up in a music...
7 TV and Movie Side Characters That Deserve Their Own Spinoffs
One of the hardest things about writing fiction is coming up with interesting, fully developed side characters. After all, you can’t spend too much time on them because you...
8 Incredible Facts About Game of Thrones
Game of Thrones is an absolute juggernaut. There’s no denying it. Along with Walking Dead, you’d be hard pressed to find a television show that gets more online chatter that...
7 Books That Should Would Make Great TV Shows
With the return of the immensely successful and wildly popular Game of Thrones, it’s only natural to look at the bookshelf and imagine what books may have a chance to rival the...