First of all, let’s just get this out of the way: when you name a movie “Crank” about the only sex scene you’d expect, based on the title alone, would be a guy flying solo. However, Crank was a movie that helped launch Jason Statham as an action star and involved him needing to basically get huge boosts of adrenaline in order to stay alive. Or something like that. Look, does plot even matter when it comes to a Statham movie? People just want to see him look tough and roundhouse kick fools in the face. Well, at one point in the movie, Statham is about to die on the side of a street so to boost his adrenaline and stay alive, he bends over Amy Smart and starts boning her right there on the side of the road, in front of a gathering group of people who begin to cheer him on.
We’re not sure we can technically call this “unintentionally hilarious” since it involves what is without question rape, but the circumstances are so absurd that we’d be remiss to leave it out of the discussion. Jack Frost is a horrible mid-90’s slasher flick in which a snowman comes to life and goes on a murderous rampage. Along the way, he also decides that he wants to get a little action from Shannon Elizabeth before killing her. So what does he do? Well, he’s a snowman, so he’s not exactly anatomically correct. What he does have, however, is a carrot. You can guess where it goes from there, though you may not want to dwell on the imagery for very long.
If you want to talk about a superhero movie that gets a bit of a bad rap, look no further than Watchmen. Based on the classic Alan Moore graphic novel, it took an entirely new angle on the comic book genre and asked the questions like, hey, who actually keeps these vigilantes in check? It was a dark, violent movie and kind of gets forgotten when people talk about the best superhero movies ever, partially because there was no way it could live up to the buildup, and partially because there’s a ton of backlash against Zack Snyder. Oh, and also? Because it features one of the most groan inducing sex scenes ever, when Patrick Wilson plows MalinAkerman to the sound of Leonard Cohen singing “Hallelujah.”
The most ridiculous movie sex scene in history has to be the big and, dare we pun? Climactic sex scene in the pool, when Elizabeth Berkley appears to be suffering from some kind of epileptic seizure while straddling Kyle MacLachlan. The whole movie tries so very, very hard to be sexy, but as it turns out that proves to be a little difficult when your sex symbol star is the same girl who played Jessie Spano and had the most notorious freak out in kids television history. We really should have guessed that the girl who melted down singing “I’m So Excited” would be unable to deliver the goods when it comes to a sex scene, especially since she appears to be channeling Jessie’s caffeine-addled breakdown while splashing around in that pool. Poor MacLachlan is left holding on for dear life, wearing an expression that clearly suggests he’s having second thoughts about doing the film.
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