There’s nothing like being a swingin’ bachelor. Cashing cheques from your single guy job, cruising for chicks, hanging in your sweet bachelor pad full of liquor cabinets, steak and erotica you’re proud to display on your bookshelf.
At least, this is the image portrayed by 70’s cop flicks. The harsh reality of virtually all normal, single guys living on their own is a lot darker and cluttered with takeout containers. This is not something many women know, or even want to know. But as a responsible journalist, it is my duty to shine my lantern of truth on the blackened recesses of the unknown. Also, I’ve spent the money from this article on two medium pizzas already. So let’s look at some of the things that men do when alone that ladies probably worked hard to avoid learning about.
The Shower Beer
Usually when you wake up with a blistering hangover, the last thing you usually want to look at is more booze. But, as the guys from Nazareth will tell you, sometimes the best cure is the “hair of the dog that bit you”. It’s times like this you need the one-two punch of the Shower Beer.
The shower beer is a nearly spiritual affair. As the water washes away a nights worth of sin and bad decisions, the beer smoothes and straightens your frayed nervous system into something resembling a functioning human brain. Emerging from your damp, yellow ducky shower curtains like a phoenix rising from the ashes, you are ready to tackle your day of sitting around eating pop tarts and playing video games.
Alternatively, shower beers can be a great way to start the party early. Or maybe you wake up at three in the afternoon to find it never stopped. Or sometimes you just need to celebrate another Thursday well done. The beauty and versatility of the shower beer can be seen by its numerous fans: dozens of tribute groups exist on Facebook with thousands of members.
Let’s face it: some of the most delicious meals are messy. All manners of pasta sauce, pizza, pulled pork, Mexican food, Chinese... well virtually everything except dry cereal.
So you know that your food has a high probability of getting everywhere. There are a few possible solutions, unfortunately most of them involve doing laundry, buying stuff or basic table manners, all of which are obviously right out. The simplest solution is to remove the article of clothing that’s going to be first in line to get slopped on: your shirt. Since your skin is relatively stain resistant, it doesn’t matter if the odd rogue meatball or veal cutlet finds its way to your chest as you eat it on the couch while watching VH1.
Pantsless Everything Else
Sadly, mealtimes necessitates the wearing of pants to ensure your junk remains free of scalding. Luckily, the rest of the time men spend not under the scrutinizing eye of the fairer sex, men are free to “drop trou” and celebrate themselves. To let it all hang out. To keep an open line of sight in case something scratchy or sexual needs to happen. Just like how women probably look forward to stepping out of their shoes and bra at the end of a long day (you step into a bra right?), men can’t wait the minute when their bare legs hit the cool, evening air. A recent survey actually found that one in five dudes plays video games naked.
The more organized dudes have even created a day of action: No Pants Day, which is the first Friday of May (mark your calendars!).
Communicating On the Can
Have you ever called, texted, facebooked or made any form of long distance communication with a man while he was home alone? If so, you’ve probably done so while they’re on the toilet. If you thought that was going into masturbation territory, you’re mistaken. Men don’t answer the phone when practicing self love. Or check email. Or even respond to fire alarms.
With increasingly busy lives, the commode is not the sacred ground it once was. In yesteryear, time spent in the bathroom was time spent reflecting, contemplating or reading National Geographic. Now nobody can afford to be disconnected. Bathroom time is often spent settling credit card charges by phone for the small thrill you get by making Jodi from customer service wait a second while you squeeze out some brown justice. The less busy can also pull the ol’ squat and surf, using their laptops the way they were meant to be used.