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In fiction, the heroes and villains need a place to work from. After all, they’ve got to have somewhere to keep all the paperwork and high-tech weaponry, right? This list, however, is meant to show you what happens you decide to save some money and not hire an architect. Or a designer with a functioning brain. You get lairs like...
Syndrome’s Jungle/Volcano Base
Appearing in The Incredibles (not to be confused with The Avengers), the lair of Syndrome seemingly didn’t just copy the textbook of ‘Being a Supervillain’...it damn well plagiarised it to the extent that it needs a Cease and Desist notice hammering on the door.
Firstly, it was built on a secluded island. A secluded jungle island. A secluded jungle island with a volcano. A secluded jungle island with a volcano and a small private army. A secluded jungle island with a volcano and a small private army and its own monorail system.
Honestly, checking out the specifications of this place reads like the most diabolical game of ‘I Went To The Grocery Store and Bought...’.
Elliot Carver’s Stealth Boat
A lot of things were wrong with the later Pierce Brosnan James Bond films, most of all the fact that one of the films, Tomorrow Never Dies, didn’t feature a villain with an evil plan, more a pissed off version of Rupert Murdoch.
Worst of all, he tools around the oceans in a boat. And then starts a war between two of the world’s biggest naval powers. Funnily enough, his shit got wrecked pretty badly. Serves him right.
Unbelievably, in the X-Men comics, Magneto doesn’t just do what he does in the films and lounge around public parks playing chess. He builds awesome shit, because seriously that’s what we’d all do in his position. Unfortunately, Asteroid M, an asteroid on which he made his base, is not of these awesome creations mainly by virtue of it being in fucking space.
Also, it had a habit of getting destroyed at least four times a year, leading us to imagine that the insurance premiums must have been a complete bitch.
The Technodrome was home to the villainous Shredder and Krang in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. And, boy, did it suck some serious ass. Despite being armed with more weapons than most rogue African nations, it maintains a kill rate of roughly zero people. And the damn thing was attacked nearly every week as well, so it’s not like the opportunities weren’t presenting themselves.
Worst of all, it didn’t have a power supply. In fact, that was the plot of many episodes: just getting the ridiculous contraption to move. We’d actually prefer the boat to this piece of awful crap.
The Death Star
Seriously, you can’t have a list of worst fictional lairs and now have The Death Star on it. The thing, in lack of a better word, was possibly the worst designed on here (and, yes, that includes the Technodrome).
For all the fancy gizmos it had and all the big guns and all the security systems, it was let down by one tiny exhaust port. Which, if we remember our physics lessons, could probably have been covered with a grate of some sort. Even The Death Star in Revenge of the Jedi fared better than the original, and it was only half-goddamn-built.
Vader should probably have got someone on that.
Just to prove we’re fair, we’re now going to prove we don’t discriminate against shoddily-built good guy bases. So now we’re talking about the Batcave. Firstly, how the hell did Bruce Wayne manage to build this thing in secret? How many workmen did he have to hire to even put the helicopter landing pad in? And the harbour for the Batboat? And what did he do with those workmen afterwards? Bribe them or strangle them?
Secondly, all we’re going to say is utility bills. Did the Gotham Electric Board not notice this sudden spike in usage? Or did they simply think Bruce just got an amazing cinema system in that, incidentally, needs an entire electric dam to power.
Stromberg’s Water Spider
Yes, we included two entries from the world of James Bond. So sue us. It just happens to be that franchise has a lot of retarded lairs, including this one from The Spy Who Loved Me. Built by Karl Stromberg, it was meant to keep him and his followers safe underwater whilst he destroyed the world above.
Unfortunately, it needed to surface occasionally which brings us to one simple flaw. What happens when you remove one of the legs off a table? It collapses, right? Now what happens when your base has four legs and is shaped like a table? Congratulations. You are smarter than this ‘genius-level’ supervillain. Just remember us when you begin your plot to end the world, ok?
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