Tony Hawk: Ride Skateboard
The long running Tony Hawk Pro Skater series has really gone downhill in the past few years, and in an attempt to revive the franchise a new game, Tony Hawk: Ride, was recently released. To help attract interest it came with a special skateboard controller that uses infrared sensors to detect motion, so gamers can spend 120 dollars to take pretend skateboarding to the next, presumably extreme, level.
It’s not a bad idea in theory, even if it does seem to blur the line between “clearly a video game” and “just go and buy a damn skateboard already”, but in practice there are a few flaws. Like, for example, it’s an overpriced piece of plastic crap that doesn’t work. Events in the game pretty much just happen at random regardless of how you interact with the skateboard, so it’s tough to see this thing as anything other than a very expensive gimmick. On the plus side, you could totally stick some wheels on the bottom and get an actual, functional skateboard for much cheaper than a real one.
Custom Death Crimson Controller
Do you have absolutely no idea what Death Crimson is? Don’t worry, neither did we until we discovered the custom controller a Japanese artist made to play the game with. After a little research we learned that Death Crimson was one of the worst games available for the Sega Saturn, which in turn is one of the worst consoles ever made. But we’d play any game, no matter how terrible, for the chance to use this monstrosity of a controller.
OK, so this thing is pretty much impossible to use, but that won’t negate how badass you’ll feel when you’re playing a game by controlling this giant, um… dragon? Alien? Mutant dong? Yeah, so, we have no idea what it’s actually supposed to be. But we can say this: it’s very nerdy, very Japanese, and very weird.
The SOM is yet another Japanese, um, controller, although we’re using that word in the non-traditional sense. You may think it’s not fair that we keep making fun of Japan, because there are plenty of weird American games and controllers and so on. But as long as Japan continues to be the primary source of erotic video games it’s going to be impossible for another country to compete.
Anyway, one glance at the SOM should tell you exactly what its purpose is. It comes bundled with a PC game called Cross Days, and you plug it into your computer so you can, um, enjoy its “next-gen reality.” We’re not sure how using something that looks like a perverted cross between a kitchen appliance and some kind of painful piece of medical equipment is going to make things any more realistic than what boys have been learning to do on their own for centuries, but then we’re not the ones who get paid to build nightmarish sex toys for a living, so what do we know?
Oh, and ladies, if you haven’t run away screaming yet, don’t worry, because there’s also a version of the SOM for the fairer sex. There’s a piston involved, and, well, if pistons don’t get you excited then what will?
This is clearly the weirdest video game controller out there today, and we really, really hope that nobody tries to beat this. In a few years from now we’d like to be able to shoot pretend aliens without having to attach a hunk of plastic to our genitals.
- - Resident Evil Chainsaw : http://gearmedia.ign.com/gear/image/article/666/666241/resident-evil-4-chainsaw-controller-ps2-20051111050528754_640w.jpg
- - Steel Battalion Controller : http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/e/e7/Steel_Battalion_controllers.jpg
- - Rail Driver : http://www.raildriver.com/assets/images/raildriver/rd.desktop.home.jpg
- - Palmtop Controller : http://www.techgadgetforums.com/files/ddr.jpg
- - Tony Hawk: Ride Skateboard : http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/3/36/Tony_Hawk_Ride_Skateboard_Peripheral.jpg
- - Custom Death Crimson Controller : http://www.insertcredit.com/archives/news/032006/kyodaicrimsonl.jpg
- - SOM : http://cache-02.gawkerassets.com/assets/images/gallery/9/2008/12/medium_3091940522_c2626abef4_o.jpg