7 Utterly Bizarre Assassination Attempts

  • May 15, 2015
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Jorg Jenatsch and the Axe-Wielding Bear

Jumping way back in time to the 17th century, let’s talk about the attempted killing of Jorg Jenatsch, which involved a scene straight out of the worst Nicolas Cage movie you could ever imagine. Jorg Jenatsch was a Swiss leader who actually falls on this list not just because the attempt on his life was hilariously stupid, but also successful. So what was so ridiculous about the manner of his death? Well, how about the fact that it involved someone dressing up in a freaking bear costume and swinging an axe at him? Seriously, that’s what happened. Like we said, it’s like a bad Nic Cage movie. He was killed in 1639 by a dude in a bear costume who hacked at him with an axe, though the identity of his killer remains a mystery. Because seriously, it’s a time traveling Nic Cage who went crazy after starring in The Wicker Man, of course.


Agrippina and the Falling Ceiling

Once in a while you hear about an assassination attempt that’s just so comically over the top that it feels like something out of the board game Mouse Trap, and that’s exactly what happened with the assassination attempt on Agrippina the Younger. The mother of Nero, Agrippina was exiled at one point in her life but apparently that wasn’t enough, so she had to be killed by ridiculous means. According to some accounts, and again this has never been fully verified because, come on, this was ancient Rome and record keeping wasn’t of the highest priority at that point in time, Nero got a little perturbed with his mom so he had a mechanical contraption installed above her bed. What would that contraption do? Well, naturally, it would cause the ceiling to come crashing down on her in her sleep. Seriously man, this is some legitimate Mouse Trap stuff that was going on in Rome. Nero be crazy.


Fidel Castro and the Exploding Cigar

We’ve mentioned one plot to kill Fidel Castro already, but let’s be honest, we could fill up an entire article with plots to kill the Cuban dictator, and each one would be more comically ridiculous than the last. If you thought the wetsuit plot was stupid, wait until you get a load of the freaking exploding cigar plan. Yes, you read that right. The most absurdly cartoonish assassination plot imaginable actually almost happened. It was revealed in 1967 that seven years prior, the CIA had attempted to carry out a preposterous assassination plot that involved slipping Castro an exploding cigar. And unlike those cartoons where a cigar explodes and leaves the smoker with a face full of soot and a bewildered look, this would have blown Castro’s head pretty much clean off. And we’d be laughing at the absurdity anyway, because seriously: exploding cigar.