7 Types of Beach Personalities

  • August 26, 2010
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  • Lifestyle
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The Expert


Some autonomous Experts don't even need human hosts.

The Expert worships the beach as if it were a god. He or she will know all about the weather, the different types of waves and currents, as well as the effects that various beach stabilization projects have on sand distribution. The Expert will deem all of his or her stuff "gear," with gear including but not limited to surfboards, rollerblades, wetsuits, snorkels, flippers, waterproof watches, and really, really expensive swimsuits.

The Expert goes beyond any type of rationality when dealing with the whole beach-going experience, and quickly crosses over the line into obsession. Don't be surprised if the Expert displays a weirdly proportioned body due to focusing an insane amount of time repeating one action over and over and over again. Which, come to think of it, makes them similar to some internet nerds in this respect. They'll laugh when they see anyone less awesome than them attempt to perform the "art" of swimming, surfing, or snorkeling, and will cry the tears of a thousand sadnesses when they lose or break their gear.


The Nurturer


Stung by a box jellyfish? All better!

The Nurturer is one of the best types of beach personalities to befriend. Usually a motherly type, the Nurturer will always have in her possession one or more of the following: extra swimsuits, filling and tasty food, cold water, tons of sunscreen, and of course wet wipes.

Don't be surprised if this type of beachgoer attempts to put suntan lotion on you, even if you're a complete stranger. If there was to be a catastrophe that cut your beach off from the rest of the world, the Nurturer would be there to make sure that everyone made it through in one piece. And didn't get too messy doing it. She's kind of like your own parents or significant other, except she doesn't mind shelling out ten bucks for an ice-cold lemonade. Whether you want one or not.


The Lifeguard


There was a lifeguard here, but she sat on him, and this is all that's left.

The Lifeguard personality type comes in two different forms. Of course, many litigation-wary beaches employ real lifeguards. They tend to be toned and tanned, with better-than-you expressions on their faces, sitting on their ivory towers high above the rest of the beach rabble. They'll also save your life if you get caught in a rip-tide, so try not to piss them off.

Then there are the faux lifeguards. The ones who prance around in shirts with a red cross or that say 'Lifeguard Est. 1666" or something similarly asinine and random. They know lifeguards tend to be hot, and want to be hot by association. Faux lifeguards can cause great havoc when someone actually tries to get them to save someone. You can separate the real lifeguards from the fake lifeguards because the real ones actually bother to wear sunscreen.

Got a little of surfside psychology to add? Post about it in the comments section below!

Written by Emma Larkins – Copyrighted © www.weirdworm.com

Image Sources

Image sources:

  • - The Consumer: http://images2.layoutsparks.com/1/173012/beach-stuff-sand-toys.jpg
  • - The Minimalist/Wannabe Nude Beacher: http://www.mediabistro.com/agencyspy/original/speedos.jpg
  • - The Luxury Lover: http://www.rustysteinrealestate.com/images/bath_club/amenities.jpg
  • - The Do-It-Yourselfer/Economizer: http://dontcallmetina.files.wordpress.com/2007/11/ikea.jpg
  • - The Expert: http://www.adore-sport.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/08/Wet_Suit.jpg
  • - The Nurturer: http://stereoreel.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/03/bandaid.jpg
  • - The Lifeguard: http://media.photobucket.com/image/lifeguard/boomer33_2007/LifeGuard.jpg