The Walking Table
We don’t care what this is supposed to be and what marvelous technological advances it has installed, we are fairly against furniture being able to walk. Even more so if it ends up looking like a giant wooden spider in the process, because we already spoke our piece about spiders. If you would like us to repeat: AAAAAHHH! SPIDERS! KILL THEM, KILL THEM!!! For maximum emersion, read the last line in a high pitched girly voice.
This is undoubtedly a fairly impressive engineering project but Jesus Henry Christ; we don’t need our furniture coming alive… especially after everything we humans put it through. Bumps, termite infestations, sweaty casual sex we perform on each and every one of them from time to time… the last thing we want is for our furniture to even pretend to be alive. What if the table really liked it when you boned your maid on top of it and demands a replay?
What’s wrong with those little wheels you can install on the table’s legs? Twice as functional and 1000 times less creepy.
Some say it is important to recycle, you know, save our planet and all that. But whether you believe recycling is beneficial to Earth or not, we can all agree that some things just should not be reused no matter how many gallons of plutonium were needed to produce them it in the first place. Stuff like tampons, condoms, murder weapons used on Paris Hilton (fingers crossed!), and so forth. We would hope that such things would also include used coffins... used coffins that have been turned into “furniture” by some very strange and frightening people.
Now, granted, the coffins never actually held a dead body in it (for all we know) and are simply somehow damaged caskets which were removed from sale and turned into furniture grandpa likes to take his naps on. Still, when the Zombie Apocalypse starts, the houses with the coffin couches will look like Motels with and All You Can Eat Buffet through the eyes of the undead legions.
You won’t have anyone else to blame but yourself after the zombies eat your face off.
Call a priest! Kill it with fire! Bathe it in Holy Water! Just for the love of Jesus’ Dreadlocks, get that thing away!
- - The Woolly Chair: http://static.dezeen.com/uploads/2009/03/woollychair_57.jpg
- - Frog Humping Table: http://www.designboom.com/cms/images/anita02/hella_frog01.jpg
- - Daddy Long Legs: http://www.interiordesign.net/articles/images/ID/20070828/idx0714_furniture38.jpg
- - Cowch: http://nerdapproved.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/08/cowch1.jpg
- - Coffin Couch: http://www.apexexposure.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/04/coffin-couch-2.jpg
- - Satan’s Throne: http://www.rivalsoul.com/vb/picture.php?albumid=1521&pictureid=3742