7 Pieces of Furniture Designed by Satan on Super Acid

Posted on May 18, 2010
Views: 41,748

Subscribe to our newsletter

Advertisements

When you’re an artist, you can’t really tell when inspiration will strike or what shape it will take. It might happen over dinner or on your way to work, when that genius idea of yours for a shoe with a mini fridge built into it emerges in your head. And really, who says there’s something wrong with devising the cure for cancer while strangling a prostitute pregnant with your illegitimate spawn? You just don’t know the time or the place!

There are exceptions to that, of course. Right now there are “artists” out there whom we can pretty confidently say are taking direction straight from Satan himself. So, put on your best flame retardant clothes, splash some Holy Water on the walls and start humming your favorite hymn because we are counting-down the 7 creepiest pieces of furniture clearly designed by the Devil on super acid.

7.

The Woolly Chair

chair

Designed by Jason Miller, the Woolly Chair raises a lot of interesting question about the nature of artistic versus practical design. We’d also like to know just how many human skulls Miller has buried in his basement next to the furnace. But the one we’re more interested in at this time is… what the hell is that furry cover made from and how can we kill it in the most painful way possible?

For the sake of our collective sanity we refuse to believe the above abomination is a product of a conscious human mind. Instead, we chose to believe the much more pleasant explanation that whatever that is, it came to us from some remote corner of the Moon, lured to Earth with promises of virgin sacrifices. Once here, it was then hit over the head by Miller, skinned and turned into a chair. A chair that now just sits there… looking at you…

Oh God, it can see your soul, we just know it can…

6.

Frog Humping Table

table

It might be just me, but there is something inherently wrong with animal motives on wooden furniture, especially in this case. Just try to consider what exact thought process (or mental defect) would result in someone standing up and meticulously producing a giant half silver frog-humping-the-table table. Not to mention the terrifying pedophilic expression on its face. Look at it, this is the face that is basically saying “No use fighting it kid, this thing is going down whether you like it or not. And by ‘it’, I mean the forceful sexual intercourse between us. I am going to be inside you, is what I am saying.”

Imagine sitting down to breakfast or dinner each night with this thing. Now stop shivering, it’s OK, it was just a hypothetical question. Still, no doubt that this table would be a wonderful conversation starter: “What an amazing coincidence, I TOO am a dangerously unbalanced weirdo! Let’s go set puppy dogs on fire!”

5.

Daddy Long Legs

legs

Designed by Straight Line Inc., the Daddy Long Legs drawers are what you would expect from a “Nightmare Before Christmas” remake directed by a more spaced-out Burton with a constant LSD drip attached to his spinal column. There is something eerie about this particular furniture that we just can’t seem to figure out. It might be due to the fact it’s inspired and named after a f***ing spider, known to the world for their cuddliness and general pleasant appearance. Only not and not and seriously, screw whoever came up with this evil thing. It will haunt our nightmares. And yes, we do hate spiders, how did you know?

By the way, if your first reaction after seeing the Daddy Long Legs was to set it on fire out of fear it will come to life at night and devour your eyes, then congratulations, you still have a soul.

4.

Cowch

cowch

You know what most modern houses lack? Cows. Not like the good old days when the livestock shared not only your saloon but also your kitchen or toilet (and probably the bed in those weirdo-families, you know the ones we mean, the ones where all three were one room). And now, Helga’s Sanctuary is here to help you bring the past alive… in furniture form! The pun mistress Helga runs a cow sanctuary and designs these big floor pillows which you can get in 3-8 foot sizes for the relatively meaningless price of $300 to $800 (because these beauties are virtually priceless).

But don’t worry, she won’t spend any of it on booze, drugs or needy children. No, the profits all go to the real cows in Helga’s Sanctuary, so it’s a very just cause indeed, you see. Now, 800 bucks might SEEM a bit steep to enable some crazy cow ladies bovine fetish… and it probably is. Seriously, donate that money to the Red Cross or something, you horrible person.

Advertisements
Random
Page 1 of 3
Loading...

Latest Articles

20 of the Most Terrifying Things Kids Have Ever Said

20 of the Most Terrifying Things Kids Have Ever Said

Kids say the darndest things, as the old saying goes. They also say some of the most horrifying things, as well. Most of the time it’s just because they don’t know any better...

20 Creepiest Abandoned Hospitals From Around the World

20 Creepiest Abandoned Hospitals From Around the World

Hospitals can be scary places. They’re sterile and often impersonal, and oh yeah, there are often people dying all around you. And let’s not even get into the fact that...

7 Weird Ways People Try to Get Drunk

7 Weird Ways People Try to Get Drunk

People like their booze, and have for centuries upon centuries. It’s not a secret that basically as long as there have been human beings roaming the Earth, there have been human...

8 Ways Science Says Sex Is the Best Medicine

8 Ways Science Says Sex Is the Best Medicine

With a few odd exceptions, people love sex. Sex sells, people enjoy watching it, and more importantly, people enjoy having it. That’s because sex makes you feel good, and it...

10 Absolutely Baffling Celebrity Cameos in Music Videos

10 Absolutely Baffling Celebrity Cameos in Music Videos

Believe it or not, music videos are actually things that still exist, despite the fact that channels like MTV would have you believe otherwise. Celebrities popping up in a music...

7 TV and Movie Side Characters That Deserve Their Own Spinoffs

7 TV and Movie Side Characters That Deserve Their Own Spinoffs

One of the hardest things about writing fiction is coming up with interesting, fully developed side characters. After all, you can’t spend too much time on them because you...

8 Incredible Facts About Game of Thrones

8 Incredible Facts About Game of Thrones

Game of Thrones is an absolute juggernaut. There’s no denying it. Along with Walking Dead, you’d be hard pressed to find a television show that gets more online chatter that...

7 Books That Should Would Make Great TV Shows

7 Books That Should Would Make Great TV Shows

With the return of the immensely successful and wildly popular Game of Thrones, it’s only natural to look at the bookshelf and imagine what books may have a chance to rival the...

8 Completely Off the Wall Zombie Movies

8 Completely Off the Wall Zombie Movies

First things first, let’s not pretend that zombie movies are ever going to be exactly “normal.” After all, we’re talking about movies that center on the conceit that the...

8 Famous Movie Quotes No One Ever Gets Right

8 Famous Movie Quotes No One Ever Gets Right

We’re living in a culture where half of what we say seems to come from television or the movies. At some points it feels like there are precious few original thoughts being...