Ox Bone Marrow Shampoo
Finally, a product that promises to make your hair as strong as an ox (from which it steals its active ingredient). Because that’s how stuff works like? If you use part of an animal anywhere on your body it will cause that area to absorb the animal’s properties, right? Tell me I did not waste all those weeks rubbing a dismembered horse’s penis on my own Willy…
Anyway, the Brazilian Ox Bone Marrow Shampoo “Tutannol”, promises healthy looking locks thanks to its wondrous combination of bovine fluids, “essential oils” and lack of salt. Thank God it doesn’t contain any salt, otherwise I would feel really uncomfortable rubbing this potential mad cow disease concoction into my scalp.
It’s interesting to see where those crazy Brazilians will take it next. Lipstick made from children blood perhaps? They can all it Infant Crimson and boast it keeps your lips red, young and devilishly beautiful.
Though sounding like the most horrific combination of 2 already disturbing sexual fetishes, the Gold Facial treatment is a gentle massage of your face after applying leafs of 24 carat gold to it. It’s currently available at Mar-a-Lago in Palm Beach for an undisclosed price. Other than serious health risks that is.
Have you seen the James Bond movie “Goldfinger”? In it Shirley Eaton is covered with golden paint causing her to die from epidermal suffocation. In short, her skin couldn’t breathe. See, the human skin is actually the biggest organ in/on the human body and it needs oxygen, which you will be surprised to learn does not pass easily (as in “at all”) through a layer of gold. That’s not even mentioning tons of possible allergies one might have to gold or any substance that contaminates it – because no spa will use pure gold for a simple facial massage, no matter what it will say on the bill.
Gold has rejuvenating properties only if you are Scrooge McDuck or buy a ton of it for your wife (she will seem roughly 20 years younger in bed).
Snake Venom Cream
In 2006 Jaime Pressly (better known as Joy from “My Name Is Earl”) hosted a party at the Sonya Dakara Beverly Hills clinic for the launch of their UltraLuxe skin care line of cosmetics. Cosmetics where one of the active ingredient is snake venom.
The Syn-ake synthetic venom cream is meant to inhibit muscle contractions in the face and give it a healthier, younger look, which is just a fancy way of saying “it paralyzes you north of the neck”. It’s really a (retarded) sign of our times when a 33 year old actress who still might pass for 28 in a dimly lit room has to promote an anti-wrinkle cream made from pure reptilian horror. What is it suddenly with snakes in the twisted world of beauty treatments btw? Snake massages, snake venom paralyzing facials…
Did the shape-shifting Lizard Aliens finally take over the cosmetic industry? It’s the only logical explanation.
Bull Semen Hair Treatment
So… there is this hot new treatment in the UK which involves rubbing bovine sperm into your hair. Before we go any further, I must get all the horrible pun-related jokes building up inside me out of my system. It won’t take long:
Bull semen for hair? What a cock and bull story. Bull semen for hair? Jizz… Bull semen for hair? I wonder if it will stand up to the occasion. Bull semen for hair? Oh cum on… Let’s continue.
So far only one UK salon has been reported to offer the bizarre treatment. It costs just over a $100 and takes about 45 minutes. There are a lot of serious questions that need to be asked here, the chief one being “Whaaaaaaaaat…?”, but the ones I am interested in the most are: “Do I like… tip the bull afterwards?” and “Can him and I get breakfast or a cigarette afterwards?”
- - Snake Massages: http://i.telegraph.co.uk/telegraph/multimedia/archive/01013/snake-massage-460_1013156c.jpg http://www.foundshit.com/pictures/bizarre/snake-massage.jpg
- - Breast Milk Soap: http://www.inhabitots.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/08/bmsoap.jpg
- - Snail Ooze Cosmetics: http://farm1.static.flickr.com/45/147596112_9f069616a6.jpg?v=0 http://oldstersview.files.wordpress.com/2008/10/snails.jpg
- - Ox Bone Marrow Shampoo: http://www.marieclaire.co.uk/imageBank/cache/t/Tutannol-shampoo-LP.jpg_e_b531446b815d841fa57ff7ac29559923.jpg
- - Gold Facials : http://abcnews.go.com/images/Entertainment/rt_gold_spa_080519_main.jpg http://www.geekologie.com/2008/03/28/gold-facial.jpg
- - Snake Venom Cream: http://www.realself.com/files/Image/Ageless%20in%20Los%20Angeles/Sonya_Dakar_UltraLuxe_Mask.jpg http://www.blogcdn.com/www.stylelist.com/media/2009/06/snakeresize.jpg
- - Bull Semen Hair Treatment: http://thespaatnewtonhighlands.com/images/haircolor.jpg http://www.columbiamissourian.com/media/multimedia/2009/07/27/media/Engaging_People_Rumors_1_t_w600_h600.jpg