Humanity is a vain lot and is willing to go to ridiculous lengths just to stave off the effects of aging. How ridiculous can those lengths get? Very…

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Some time ago an Israeli man was being massaged by a buxom Middle Eastern beauty—hopefully with the promise of a happy ending—when suddenly it hit him… what was missing in this pictures was a bunch of scaly, hissing reptilians. Thus, the snake massage was born.

Opened to all with $70 at their disposal and a mind that knows no fear, the Ada Barak spa in northern Israel is offering to put six non venomous snakes on your back and have them slither away all the stress from your muscles and joints. The owner claims that after overcoming the initial fear, most customers will find the treatment soothing, unless they are Indiana Jones of course.

Call me crazy, but I find that cutting out the sexy human therapists from the message experience is perhaps the most egregious example of ruining a good thing since Kanye West decided to take up music.

For many years capitalism has viciously ignored the always expanding “Environmentally conscious Fight Club fans with weird fetishes” market. Until recently that is, when DYI guides on how to prepare your own soap out of human breast milk first appeared on the net.

Has human milk been proven to work better on skin than regular non-gross soap? No, but since when did facts stop people from doing crazy things? The website which links to the original recipe for Fetish Soap however was nice enough to warn people potentially interested in it about the possible biohazard and germ risks connected with handling chemical solutions and raw unpasteurized dairy.

If you are like the rest of humanity and don’t really care how certain things are made as long as you can buy them easily at the gas station, then be warned: human breast milk soap is a type of lye agent, and lye is that extremely corrosive alkaline Tyler Durden used to brand his army of psychotic anarchists in the movie “Fight Club”.

It seems we have gone full circle since the Dark Ages, seeing as we are once again using slime to cure skin blemishes, from acne to stretch marks and “dull complexion.” If there is something wrong with your face, the Bohemia Style organic cosmetic company has an entire set of Snail Serum products just waiting for you.

Based on the secretions of the Chilean snail “Helix Aspersa Muller”, the Snail Serum line boasts basically magical regenerative properties thanks to, and I quote “an extraordinary combination of natural ingredients”, end quote/stupidity. Among said ingredients, the site mentions “Protein and Vitamins” which “result in (…) softness of your skin”, which is probably the vaguest, emptiest statement since O.J. Simpson’s trial when he stated that during the murder he was “somewhere else.”

The average price for a Snail Slime cosmetic seems to be around $70, depending on what you expected your vermin ooze to do. Me? I want my snail slime preferably on the snails cooking to perfection in the French restaurant down the street.