7 "Comforting" Mom Sayings That Really Aren't

Posted on August 19, 2010
Views: 18,609

Subscribe to our newsletter

Advertisements

If there's one thing that moms are known for being good at, it's comforting people. They'll often say things like "Don't be mad at Billy, pity him; his parents are ugly, and someday, he will be too," or "bike accidents only happen to people who are bad on the inside."

But, try as they might, they can't turn every bad situation into puppies and king-size candy bars. Sometimes, they just don't have a clue what they are talking about.

1.

Cleaning toilets never hurt anyone

cleaning toilets

Why it is supposed to be comforting: Moms are fond of the "never hurt/killed anyone" argument. They assume that it's guaranteed to make you feel so much better that the activity you have been unfairly assigned has not been known to permanently disfigure, maim, or end the life of anyone (yet?). At least, they know it won't make you feel any worse.

Why it really isn't: Well, how about the fact that at least one guy has nearly killed himself cleaning the toilet?

We're assuming that, since the mom in question is trying to get her offspring to do the dirty deed instead of doing it herself, she's not going to be watching them every step of the way. And we all know that kids have many things that they'd rather be doing than scrubbing feces off of porcelain, so we can't expect them to carefully peruse the warning labels on the cleaning products they decide to use. And hey, if one bottle is good, two are better, and more is best!

Except when it comes to this sneaky little formula: 2(parts)NaOCl + 2NH3 --> 2NaONH3 + Cl2. That's what you get when you mix chlorine (found in bleach) with ammonia (a common household cleaning agent): toxic chlorine gas, the same sort of thing used to kill soldiers during the Great War. Happy scrubbing!

2.

Spinach will make you grow nice and strong!

spinach

Why it is supposed to be comforting: This is a version of the "eat it, it's good for you" argument. Now, moms know that all kids want to be superheroes, and so there's a good chance that the strength argument will work out to their advantage. If Peter Parker had to get bitten by a nightmare-inducing radioactive spider, then your kid will probably put up with swallowing down a few bites of shudder-inducing green sludge if given the promise of greatness.

Why it really isn't: Sure, spinach has lots of vitamins, and it will give you a chance to get stronger - if by "stronger" you mean "better at getting your bowels to stop disgorging themselves all over the place."

That's because spinach has, on several occasions, been the source of E. Coli outbreaks. The problem with spinach is that all those folds that hold the good-for-you-ness also are especially good at harboring bacteria as well. Jeez, Spiderman never had to put up with anything worse than a rash.

3.

When I was your age, things were much harder

your age

Why it's supposed to be comforting: Ever heard something along these lines: "When I was your age, I had to walk five miles uphill to and from school every day in the snow, with no shoes and only a chunk of mold to eat”? Or: “Back then, we didn't have any fancy 'interphones' or whatever you call them. When we wanted to talk to someone far away, we had to yell really, really, loud"?

Moms want us to believe that life was so, so much harder in the past than it is now. We're supposed to feel better because we don't have to live in those depressing times. They think that the horror invoked by the thought of ages past will make taking out the trash seem blissful in comparison.

Why it really isn't: Stress has always been around, but it wasn't until the 1990's that it really became an essential factor that scientists and doctors took into account when thinking about human health. So yeah, things might have been physically harder way back when, but mentally, our fragile, young brains have it much harder than in the past, what with the daily experience of being pummeled to a juicy gray-matter pulp. The constant overstimulation we endure makes it impossible for us to focus on anything. We even get the joy of experiencing withdrawal symptoms if the constant stimulus is removed.

For example, Mom might have had to walk more in her youth, but she never had to walk her brain through the intensity of 5000 advertising messages a day!

4.

It's just a scratch. :kiss: All better!

kiss

Why it's supposed to be comforting: Everyone knows that kisses are magical medicine juice, right? From an early age, we're taught that the power of Mom's kiss is enough to cure scrapes, staph infection, and possibly even cancer. I mean, how many of us would venture out into the wild without that kind of protection? It's scary out there!

Why it really isn't: The human mouth is the perfect bacteria breeding ground - warm, moist, and constantly exposed to objects contaminated with the little beasties. (We know where that finger has been!) And what better way to transfer that bacteria than by laying a nice, fat kiss onto the last place you want bacteria can be - an open wound?

That's right: kissing an open cut can leads to infection. And, as all well-informed kids more versed in medieval medicine than modern science know, infections put you in the fast lane to gangrene and amputations. Whee!

Advertisements
Random
Page 1 of 3
Loading...

Latest Articles

20 of the Most Terrifying Things Kids Have Ever Said

20 of the Most Terrifying Things Kids Have Ever Said

Kids say the darndest things, as the old saying goes. They also say some of the most horrifying things, as well. Most of the time it’s just because they don’t know any better...

20 Creepiest Abandoned Hospitals From Around the World

20 Creepiest Abandoned Hospitals From Around the World

Hospitals can be scary places. They’re sterile and often impersonal, and oh yeah, there are often people dying all around you. And let’s not even get into the fact that...

7 Weird Ways People Try to Get Drunk

7 Weird Ways People Try to Get Drunk

People like their booze, and have for centuries upon centuries. It’s not a secret that basically as long as there have been human beings roaming the Earth, there have been human...

8 Ways Science Says Sex Is the Best Medicine

8 Ways Science Says Sex Is the Best Medicine

With a few odd exceptions, people love sex. Sex sells, people enjoy watching it, and more importantly, people enjoy having it. That’s because sex makes you feel good, and it...

10 Absolutely Baffling Celebrity Cameos in Music Videos

10 Absolutely Baffling Celebrity Cameos in Music Videos

Believe it or not, music videos are actually things that still exist, despite the fact that channels like MTV would have you believe otherwise. Celebrities popping up in a music...

7 TV and Movie Side Characters That Deserve Their Own Spinoffs

7 TV and Movie Side Characters That Deserve Their Own Spinoffs

One of the hardest things about writing fiction is coming up with interesting, fully developed side characters. After all, you can’t spend too much time on them because you...

8 Incredible Facts About Game of Thrones

8 Incredible Facts About Game of Thrones

Game of Thrones is an absolute juggernaut. There’s no denying it. Along with Walking Dead, you’d be hard pressed to find a television show that gets more online chatter that...

7 Books That Should Would Make Great TV Shows

7 Books That Should Would Make Great TV Shows

With the return of the immensely successful and wildly popular Game of Thrones, it’s only natural to look at the bookshelf and imagine what books may have a chance to rival the...

8 Completely Off the Wall Zombie Movies

8 Completely Off the Wall Zombie Movies

First things first, let’s not pretend that zombie movies are ever going to be exactly “normal.” After all, we’re talking about movies that center on the conceit that the...

8 Famous Movie Quotes No One Ever Gets Right

8 Famous Movie Quotes No One Ever Gets Right

We’re living in a culture where half of what we say seems to come from television or the movies. At some points it feels like there are precious few original thoughts being...