It shouldn’t surprise you that there’s a world championship of arm wrestling, but unless you’re a serious weightlifter, a chronic masturbator, or preferably both, your odds of winning aren’t good. Luckily, you don’t have to forget your dreams of wrestling glory; just shift your focus to your feet, where all the real action is.
To play, competitors link their big toes together into a position that looks both uncomfortable and undignified. They then place the palms of their feet together and attempt to force the other person’s foot into submission. This video will make it clear just how silly it looks:
The man on the left is the current world champion, Allen “Nasty” Nash. (This is one of those games where the people involved try to make it sound cooler by giving participants “hardcore” nicknames. It doesn’t work.) Nash actually looks pretty tough, which makes us wonder why his hobby is getting intimate with the smelly feet of strangers instead of climbing mountains or wrestling alligators. Better yet, he should toe wrestle dangerous animals; now that’s a world championship we’d love to see.
Another childhood activity turned silly sport, stone skipping is all about making rocks bounce across a lake. There’s actually a big divide in the stone skipping world: some skippers go for pure distance, while others believe that the number of bounces is more important. Because of this fierce debate, there are two separate world championships. It’s sort of like the old divide between the American and National Leagues, except the game being played is even less interesting.
The “most skips” approach is the one that really draws in the tens of fans, so we’ll take their side on this controversial issue. The 2010 championship was won by Russ “Rock Bottom” Byars (Stone skippers also try the nickname thing, and it doesn’t work for them either). Byars managed an impressive 30 skips to take the pro division, because apparently stone skipping is something you can do as a full time career. The amateur competition was won with a mere 24 skips, which really shows you the huge level of disparity between casual skippers and the truly skilled professionals.
This sport originated, to nobody’s shock, in Finland, a country that we really need to sit down and have a long talk with. It involves a man hoisting his wife or, contrary to the name of the game, any other willing woman, over his shoulders and carrying her through an obstacle course. The championship has been running since 1997, and the prize for the winner is his woman’s weight in beer. Wait, that’s the greatest prize ever; OK Finland, you’re cool with us.
The course runs for about 250 metres and includes three obstacles, such as a stretch of chest deep water. Men can navigate the course however they wish, so long as their woman never touches the ground. One of the more popular carrying methods also appears to be incredibly uncomfortable: the woman wraps her legs around the man’s shoulders, drapes herself down his back, grasps his waist, and does her best to not look completely idiotic.
It’s pretty physically demanding, at least for the man. The woman just stays motionless and then complains when her partner don’t perform well, which gives us a setup for many different jokes that we’re far too classy to make.
Just kidding! We’re saying it’s like sex, except with the added benefit of spectators being able to witness your embarrassing underperformance. We suppose it’s only a matter of time before there’s a world championship for that too.