So far we've learned that nuns, old men, and stalker Draculas don't make for very entertaining reads. But what happen when you throw Fox News pundits into the sequential art mix? The world's first Conservative comic book, otherwise known as a tremendous train wreck.
In a world where those damn liberal lefties have run our country into ruin, it takes a street-wise team of conservative news hosts who are also cyborgs, or something. You know your future is bleak when it's up to Sean Hannity to save the day.
Warrior, formerly the Ultimate Warrior, formerly a sane human being, is the closest thing to a living, breathing comic book character we may ever see. Just look at him:
That's way more face paint than you're required to have to be a professional wrestler. And while tassels are generally associated with exotic dancers more so than super-heroes, we'll give him props for actually walking around in public like that. And just listen to the guy talk:
Did you catch a word of that that actually made any sense to you?
In 1996, Warrior released the first in a planned six-issue series about his character's mythology, which would have been a great idea had he not been left to write it himself and even more so if he himself weren't certifiably insane.
Despite the absurdly muscled character designs, almost nothing comparable to action takes place. Instead we are treated to page upon page of philosophy and made-up words. The series was halted after issue four, but not before the now infamous Christmas issue:
Yes, that's Santa Claus in what appears to be bondage gear and no, it doesn't make any sense. Despite the previous issues having a word count higher than most novels, this issue has no dialogue and thus no means to even attempt to explain why this isn't incredibly horrifying.
The Adventures of Dean Marin and Jerry Lee Lewis
Eventually the duo would split and Jerry Lewis would get the whole comic, but before this pulp fiction divorce, the two had adventures together. What kind of adventures, you ask? Why, the only adventures that a problem drinker and a brain damaged man can have!
Here the ladies are flocking to Jerry because they've mistaken him for Jim Carrey's character from Dumb and Dumber. Meanwhile Dean looks like he just handsomed his way out of a Speed Racer cartoon.
As you delve deeper into these covers, you start to realize that the two comedians can never be drawn in the same style at the same time for reasons unknown. Here we have a rare moment where Dean looks like he may actually be a healthy human being. Naturally, Jerry looks like someone struck him with a shovel.
- - Mother Teresa of Calcutta : http://t1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSr1tAbHv-p82MxIAnQAAMBrDQmUw66ei-lUrkvDRnoAXYVgTo&t=1&usg=__5-AsDO4v-2hYj1_V902xrYw9eqk= http://t0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQPhpMD6YcwtLIRJxUZYcPHRcHWTczLbf4bOqb8nPrTwaAXhh4&t=1&usg=__FlM_4wW47G0-fbE1EVAVf2bIda8=
- - The Adventures of Bob Hope: http://s3.hubimg.com/u/751342_f520.jpg http://s4.hubimg.com/u/751343_f520.jpg http://s2.hubimg.com/u/751349_f520.jpg
- - Female Force: Stephenie Meyer: http://www.blogcdn.com/www.comicsalliance.com/media/2009/11/smeyer01.jpg
- - Liberality: http://accstudios.com/i/stophillaryexpress_128d.gif
- - Warrior : http://www.spookyweb.de/wrestling/wrest81.jpg http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcR7rQK-brEEViKE9jHh6lWINYu264KIj9f54a-giemZowpw7rw&t=1&usg=__Z1FVO2WSi0S4wnka2yHHNls97Tw= http://t1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQdEadyiA8Cyb3R_MG79chp8uXAEEs9v3B7yVVFiOjjFUv63ec&t=1&usg=__OYl_mePWXrJ4xtxSWFDMoqq0K_4=
- - The Adventures of Dean Marin and Jerry Lee Lewis: http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2505/3690468736_4ffa9cfef3.jpg http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3544/3690468832_9d4a5d9f10.jpg http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2568/3690468878_3d166d62df.jpg